It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
I'm not one of those, who can easily hide.
I just suddenly had this urge to listen to this song. And was reminded of how beautiful it was, and how it struck a chord that emanated so deeply within me.
It's actually really, really exhausting, to be fond of people. Especially so, when the law of imbalanced scales is constantly factored into our lives. You will never mean to other people, as much as what they mean to you. I've said this before and I'm not afraid of reiterating it. Hah, I stopped myself before typing 'reiterating it again'. I've preserved my English hurrah.
I sometimes love how people forget things and feelings so easily. Myself for one, find it really hard to do that. And yet, despite being able to remember all these little things, I'm unable to remember Math formulas or solutions to save my life. Ironic, isn't it - I remember the corny, cheesy, little tiny useless insignificant (well, at least to others) things but not these more fruitful stuff that could occupy a larger portion of my head but they do not.
Who'd listen to this impassioned ranting of a guy who's constantly caught in the past and not living in the present, and who sometimes wishes to go back in time? That's why all I have is this, and hence I hope you don't mind that I put this down in words. Because words are all I have, to take your heart away? Nahhh. Good song, though!
How exactly do you want me, to let you know, to impress upon you, to make you understand, how much I miss your presence in my life and am trying to show you that I want to do all I can to keep it intact? Tell me, please, 'cos, you know. Really. I'm finding it extremely hard to discover an effective way of letting these pleas be heard.
I don't understand how you'd just so callously throw me to the side. Or maybe I do, in the face of this daunting adversary of excitement, fun, laughter, beauty, gorgeousness, love, schedules, relevance, sex appeal, and everything else, that seems to take precedence.
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world
But you're hardly, anymore.
Anyway the thing is- what I really mean,
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
every once in a while, everybody looks back on the past and finds small little pockets of regret, wistfulness and how-i-wish-i'd-done-it-differentlies, or maybe how-i-wish-i'd-go-back-thens. Mr. Clooney said in his recent movie that photographs are for people who have pathetically short memories such that images of every thing that they do has to be recorded on little sheets of paper. Of course, he recognizes the folly of his statement later on, as he rightfully should, because we don't take photographs because we can't remember - we take them because they provide a more colorful, vibrant picture of special moments that have been and gone, and help us in our recollection of such moments.
I don't blame myself for wishing that life was how it was a few years ago, although life's pretty alright nowadays and really quite exciting sometimes. I realized recently that we can't blame others for neglecting us no matter how close we are, because there's a little something called "getting on with their lives". You'd not like it yourself if you were going on some awesome roadtrip around Europe and suddenly your ancestors in China call you back because you're wanted there. A little bit exaggerated I know but generally the gist of the whole idea.
It's also a good feeling, I think, to miss people. It keeps you grounded, and looking forward to the future. Even if whatever new posting I have turns out to be absolute rubbish, I know that time can only fly by before the summer period of May - July, because I'll be standing on my toes and keeping my fingers crossed every day for rachel, mel, zixin and tiff to come back. Sometimes all you need in life is a direction to head towards, goals to meet, and dates to look forward to. And that's the beauty of the simplicity of it.
Another thing I'd like to wish for is for every person to have inside themselves their very own Jiminy cricket. Or at least, an inner voice that tells us what to do. Somewhat like the little angel/devil that sits on one's shoulders, but without the devil this time. A little bit schizo I know, but it'd be great to have a voice of reason that steers us away from all the bad choices and every foolish thing that we do, no matter how logical we might surmise them to be. Because the fact remains that we're governed quite often by how our hearts beat rather than how our brains pulse. Both powerful instruments, locked in a neverending struggle to come out on top. And no matter which one wins, there tend to be repercussions that one has to face, which might not be that enjoyable indeed.
So let's look towards our own freedoms, people. And in our personal pursuit of happiness, not forget those that hold us dear just because we hold others dear. I promise to myself that I'm going to make a video of whatever trips I have with my friends (e.g. ORD) in American Pie fashion, and spin Michelle Branch's Everywhere to accompany it, because it just awesomely encompasses the spirit of our youth and the things that we do (despite us turning 20 this year. It's okay i'm STILL not an adult!).
Because you're everywhere to me,
and when I close my eyes it's you I see;
I don't blame myself for wishing that life was how it was a few years ago, although life's pretty alright nowadays and really quite exciting sometimes. I realized recently that we can't blame others for neglecting us no matter how close we are, because there's a little something called "getting on with their lives". You'd not like it yourself if you were going on some awesome roadtrip around Europe and suddenly your ancestors in China call you back because you're wanted there. A little bit exaggerated I know but generally the gist of the whole idea.
It's also a good feeling, I think, to miss people. It keeps you grounded, and looking forward to the future. Even if whatever new posting I have turns out to be absolute rubbish, I know that time can only fly by before the summer period of May - July, because I'll be standing on my toes and keeping my fingers crossed every day for rachel, mel, zixin and tiff to come back. Sometimes all you need in life is a direction to head towards, goals to meet, and dates to look forward to. And that's the beauty of the simplicity of it.
Another thing I'd like to wish for is for every person to have inside themselves their very own Jiminy cricket. Or at least, an inner voice that tells us what to do. Somewhat like the little angel/devil that sits on one's shoulders, but without the devil this time. A little bit schizo I know, but it'd be great to have a voice of reason that steers us away from all the bad choices and every foolish thing that we do, no matter how logical we might surmise them to be. Because the fact remains that we're governed quite often by how our hearts beat rather than how our brains pulse. Both powerful instruments, locked in a neverending struggle to come out on top. And no matter which one wins, there tend to be repercussions that one has to face, which might not be that enjoyable indeed.
So let's look towards our own freedoms, people. And in our personal pursuit of happiness, not forget those that hold us dear just because we hold others dear. I promise to myself that I'm going to make a video of whatever trips I have with my friends (e.g. ORD) in American Pie fashion, and spin Michelle Branch's Everywhere to accompany it, because it just awesomely encompasses the spirit of our youth and the things that we do (despite us turning 20 this year. It's okay i'm STILL not an adult!).
Because you're everywhere to me,
and when I close my eyes it's you I see;
Thursday, February 18, 2010
At times, all it takes is for one to want something hard enough that he'll look for it. Most of the time, when you look for it, you'll find it somehow; you'll get there somehow. You'll find that gem in the pile of pebbles, that gold nugget streaming down the river. It's all a question of how hard you're willing to look, how long you're willing to wait.
I've realized the importance of staying positive and looking on the bright side no matter what happens. God teaches us not to lie, but occasionally when you lie to yourself, it allows you to feel that much better, and hold on for that much longer. When you've got nothing left to fight for, what motivates you? Especially when you know that you've hit a plateau, or that there's no silver lining in the clouds, or there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and you're just struggling for the sake of it - not giving up because you won't allow yourself to. It's times like these when a little white lie, a little playing up of your situation, gives you that much-needed boost to finish the day and come through still shining.
We all want to be perfect, and especially more so in the eyes of those whom we desire. In the process of achieving this much longed for state, we tend to forget other things. As well as other people. It's not a good thing to be callous, but we do it anyway, because there's just some people who matter to us, and others who don't. We open ourselves up only to those who we see value in, and install a perfect firewall to those that we see nothing in. But we can't be blamed, because that's base human nature; which ironically contrasts with the definition of a perfect person.
I've realized the importance of staying positive and looking on the bright side no matter what happens. God teaches us not to lie, but occasionally when you lie to yourself, it allows you to feel that much better, and hold on for that much longer. When you've got nothing left to fight for, what motivates you? Especially when you know that you've hit a plateau, or that there's no silver lining in the clouds, or there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and you're just struggling for the sake of it - not giving up because you won't allow yourself to. It's times like these when a little white lie, a little playing up of your situation, gives you that much-needed boost to finish the day and come through still shining.
We all want to be perfect, and especially more so in the eyes of those whom we desire. In the process of achieving this much longed for state, we tend to forget other things. As well as other people. It's not a good thing to be callous, but we do it anyway, because there's just some people who matter to us, and others who don't. We open ourselves up only to those who we see value in, and install a perfect firewall to those that we see nothing in. But we can't be blamed, because that's base human nature; which ironically contrasts with the definition of a perfect person.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Good Lord, it's been quite some time since my last entry here. I guess in actuality it's not been that long, seeing as I was in Taiwan for Ex. Starlight till the 26th, and it's only been about 9 days since we touched down. But I have been meaning to blog, in fact nearly every day, but every time I start thinking about it I get too lazy to and end up just putting it off; procrastination is definitely not a nice thing to have haha.
So let me talk about Taiwan. Well, it was definitely a million times better than Brunei. Despite my preference for no training at all, I'd have to say the environment there is just so much more suitable for military training than in Singapore. Generally because you don't feel as uncomfortable or as tired because you don't sweat - and you're constantly feeling refreshed (and even chilled) by the blustery winds pummeling you full force, especially at night. Put that in contrast to how I felt during the recent outfield we had for urban ops - in Taiwan, you sweat only if you are forced to do something really active such as dashing from one point to the other, and half an hour later your sweat's dried up and you're feeling the same as how you were before. But in Singapore you sweat. Period. Even when you're not moving you sweat. Yes I've lived with it for the past nineteen years but man, it's times like that when I miss Taiwan.
And yes that is about all I can talk about for the training aspect of Taiwan - the weather, because, you know, classified. And all that. So let me move on to happier issues: R&R! Yes it was as awesome as it sounds, and I'm glad I got to experience 3 days of 'holidaying' in Taiwan with transport and accommodation fees fully paid for. Apparently in Taiwan, night markets are the bomb. Okay this might be due to my woefully limited shopping centre visiting experience (I only managed to shop around Taipei 101) but the night markets/ shopping streets are so much more vibrant and seemingly the go-to destination. And they really do offer quite a bunch of bargains. It's all one can do to limit the spending, but I only walked away with something from FCUK and a pair of OTs, ironically both from boutique stores. Oh, and two Spongebob boxers from a random clothing store that are only 5 bucks each. Comfy.
Of late, I've been feeling rather purposeless. I know I should be motivated by what's to come in a month and a half, but I just see it all as being very pointless, partially because the R&R, off day and also the 2 days ATTEN C that my MO gave me for cough/flu (wow) have been easing me back into the post-JC, pre-army life and I must admit it is a very wonderful (albeit just as purposeless, and more slack) life because of the sheer fact that you can CONTROL your life. You determine what fills up your schedule, and if you've been lacking in an area say, studying something or your fitness regime, or you want to bring yourself up to date on something, all you have to do is devote more time towards that area. Whereas now in these 2 years, all the time you've got is 2 weekends. 1 and a half for me now. And with extras and confinements and irregular training schedules, you end up being total subjugated to the whims and fancies of whoever plans aforementioned schedule. But I guess it should all become better after this month has passed. GET OUT OF HERE, FEBRUARY. Despite CNY, Feb's really not a very good month, in fact it is quite irritating indeed.
I've also been wondering about how what exactly people value. I just feel that one too many times, effort and concern have been sacrificed in favour of the more colourful, the more vibrant, the more exciting, the more relevant. To me, it's pretty simple - we measure those who mean the most to us by what really matters, the times shared together that are not broadcasted on a networking site or video-sharing one, the moments captured not in pictures but in our hearts, the words said not on shoutouts but on heartfelt personal notes. But I don't constitute the world. And it's a pity how the world is sometimes blinded by glitz and the glitterati.
So let me talk about Taiwan. Well, it was definitely a million times better than Brunei. Despite my preference for no training at all, I'd have to say the environment there is just so much more suitable for military training than in Singapore. Generally because you don't feel as uncomfortable or as tired because you don't sweat - and you're constantly feeling refreshed (and even chilled) by the blustery winds pummeling you full force, especially at night. Put that in contrast to how I felt during the recent outfield we had for urban ops - in Taiwan, you sweat only if you are forced to do something really active such as dashing from one point to the other, and half an hour later your sweat's dried up and you're feeling the same as how you were before. But in Singapore you sweat. Period. Even when you're not moving you sweat. Yes I've lived with it for the past nineteen years but man, it's times like that when I miss Taiwan.
And yes that is about all I can talk about for the training aspect of Taiwan - the weather, because, you know, classified. And all that. So let me move on to happier issues: R&R! Yes it was as awesome as it sounds, and I'm glad I got to experience 3 days of 'holidaying' in Taiwan with transport and accommodation fees fully paid for. Apparently in Taiwan, night markets are the bomb. Okay this might be due to my woefully limited shopping centre visiting experience (I only managed to shop around Taipei 101) but the night markets/ shopping streets are so much more vibrant and seemingly the go-to destination. And they really do offer quite a bunch of bargains. It's all one can do to limit the spending, but I only walked away with something from FCUK and a pair of OTs, ironically both from boutique stores. Oh, and two Spongebob boxers from a random clothing store that are only 5 bucks each. Comfy.
Of late, I've been feeling rather purposeless. I know I should be motivated by what's to come in a month and a half, but I just see it all as being very pointless, partially because the R&R, off day and also the 2 days ATTEN C that my MO gave me for cough/flu (wow) have been easing me back into the post-JC, pre-army life and I must admit it is a very wonderful (albeit just as purposeless, and more slack) life because of the sheer fact that you can CONTROL your life. You determine what fills up your schedule, and if you've been lacking in an area say, studying something or your fitness regime, or you want to bring yourself up to date on something, all you have to do is devote more time towards that area. Whereas now in these 2 years, all the time you've got is 2 weekends. 1 and a half for me now. And with extras and confinements and irregular training schedules, you end up being total subjugated to the whims and fancies of whoever plans aforementioned schedule. But I guess it should all become better after this month has passed. GET OUT OF HERE, FEBRUARY. Despite CNY, Feb's really not a very good month, in fact it is quite irritating indeed.
I've also been wondering about how what exactly people value. I just feel that one too many times, effort and concern have been sacrificed in favour of the more colourful, the more vibrant, the more exciting, the more relevant. To me, it's pretty simple - we measure those who mean the most to us by what really matters, the times shared together that are not broadcasted on a networking site or video-sharing one, the moments captured not in pictures but in our hearts, the words said not on shoutouts but on heartfelt personal notes. But I don't constitute the world. And it's a pity how the world is sometimes blinded by glitz and the glitterati.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I've got about half an hour left before I set out of the house for the airport, for the second overseas training trip to Taiwan. No, no, I'm not feeling emo, Taiwan's not as bad as Brunei. But this one trip will have so many implications, some which I'm not very sure I like at all.
For example, this trip will determine whether any more of us will have to be reviewed by a performance board, and then get unceremoniously kicked out of the course and not have the glorious end to the 9 (or 6) months. I don't really like that, it's almost similar to asking a man to complete a job for you and when he's finished, you say 'Well looks like you're not really all that suitable to have done it for me, so no pay for you I'm sry'. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles though (CLICHE CLICHE), so hopefully all of us will be able to help each other to get through it.
And also, I will be completely, absolutely, totally, missing the week that rachel's going to be back in Singapore, after which she will only be coming back in the summer period of may/june/july, and I can tell you for sure I just hate this fact. But there's nothing I can do about it. Because that's just how it is. And so I shall just relieve my pain by blasting baddies into oblivion on my PSP in Taiwan during R&R.
And by buying cheap Onitsuka Tigers which designs cannot be found in Singapore for people. Yes. I shall have many boxes to lug back home come the 26th.
Remember to pay me back, people.
Au revoir.
For example, this trip will determine whether any more of us will have to be reviewed by a performance board, and then get unceremoniously kicked out of the course and not have the glorious end to the 9 (or 6) months. I don't really like that, it's almost similar to asking a man to complete a job for you and when he's finished, you say 'Well looks like you're not really all that suitable to have done it for me, so no pay for you I'm sry'. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles though (CLICHE CLICHE), so hopefully all of us will be able to help each other to get through it.
And also, I will be completely, absolutely, totally, missing the week that rachel's going to be back in Singapore, after which she will only be coming back in the summer period of may/june/july, and I can tell you for sure I just hate this fact. But there's nothing I can do about it. Because that's just how it is. And so I shall just relieve my pain by blasting baddies into oblivion on my PSP in Taiwan during R&R.
And by buying cheap Onitsuka Tigers which designs cannot be found in Singapore for people. Yes. I shall have many boxes to lug back home come the 26th.
Remember to pay me back, people.
Au revoir.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
So I'd say there's no time more apt than now, when i've got a few hours left to ending my shift and getting the hell out of here, to compose a little ditty (okay it's not really going to be a song, i was trying to be cute.) about the year that's just passed us by, and the more significant or rather life impacting things that've happened
To begin from really the start, that is to say about end december 2008/early jan - february or so, I'll never forget that immensely melancholic period where i really felt as if my heart was rent into a thousand shreds, thanks to a simple statement of an unwitting friend during the twilight hours. For a week or maybe two, there was no sleeping before 4 am because a bleeding heart's in no way a prerequisite for a good night's sleep; rather, it allows for much sitting numbly in front of one's desktop with iTunes belting out one Dashboard Confessional song after another, and lying with eyes wide open on a soft comfortable bed contemplating the mysteries of the universe, entitled 'Why The F*** Does My Life Suck?' Needless to say, I got over it. Yeah, surprising to some, because up till a month or two ago I still have people asking me 'Hey, so are you completely over her already?' I mean, come on. Once in a while, you get to see two people who're really meant for each other, and even if your heart's begging to differ in almost a desperate, pleading manner, your rationale mind can't help but to agree, that happiness where and when it can be found should never be denied. Besides, the army always aids in the deterioration of one's memory.
Come march, the day: that all of us never wanted to arrive but could hardly wait for, came upon us like snow on a winter's day - love/hate with loving the beauty, hating the cold. It was with much trepidation that we gathered first in the canteen in school in our civilian skivvies, all looking right proper as adults (at least most of us) other than the telltale signs of enlistment on the crowns of some of the boys. Inside the hall, our nerves were certainly not helped along by the announcement that 75 percent of the cohort had scored at least an AAA; no one wanted to fill up other 25. There was tangible electricity in the air that day, and we just wanted to pull through it ending up with smiles on our faces. For me, my parents told me how amused they were at my anxious face while queuing up to receive those slips of paper (it sucks to have a surname beginning with Y sometimes!!) [in true Singaporean fashion, we had to queue even for this. I wouldn't be surprised if some dude from outside happens to see the queue and just joins in.] and that when they saw me break out in a relieved smile afterwards, they knew that i couldn't have screwed up too badly. Thanks alot anyway, Maths. In the aftermath (hey, i'm punny.) that followed, there was much elation, but also feelings of a loss at what to say to those disappointed friends. Nothing could really provide any comfort, and in actuality any attempt at crafting soothing phrases would likely be hypocritical. The best course of action was thus to remain silent but remain there for them, and try to pursue other areas of discussion, albeit in a haphazard manner that reeked almost too much of a distractionary maneuver.
There was just enough time for a relaxing trip to Korea (relaxing is spelled H-O-T S-P-R-I-N-G-S) before that fateful day in the month before May (The new Quixotic: now with 100% more rhyme!) where I very, very, very, very, unwillingly packed up my bags and set off to serve the nation, very, very, very, very, unwillingly. I wasn't unused to the regimentation, drills, and everything - two wasted years in the NCC had at least prepared me for those. What i detested was the wresting away of my freedom and how i could see so god damned little of my family and friends. Eventually, I came to accept it, and came to treasure every little thing more than I'd ever done before. And it was certainly a bumper sticker plus point when Tiff magically materialized after my POP :)
As the months slowly drifted past, I found I had yet another young adult crisis to face. Slowly but steadily, some of the people I loved most in the world were flying off to embark on their university adventure in faraway lands. That was really no deal; it was tantamount to telling me that my heart (only having just experienced a full recovery from aforementioned asswhooping, that is to say, if my heart had an ass. Actually the two curved parts of the heart shape.. Never mind.) was going to be ripped out again, pissed upon, and then blended into a fine puree like a Starbucks frappe, and there was nothing I could do about it so if I would please save myself some agony and hand it over voluntarily thankyouverymuch. I reeled at first the thought, then the reality, of ame mel rachel and zix flying off one by one. It even got to the point where I just started tearing one morning in camp during sispec. Fortunately, the blessing bequeathed to us from the tech gods, known commonly as Skype, dulled the pain quite substantially as we chatted away as much as our schedules allowed, and the lovely idiots did not exhibit any signs of change at all so that was wonderful (other than about a 500% increase in swearing proficiency.) and now that in the past month i've seen three of them, i'm quite the happy boy. <3.
I'd list down the crossing over to OCS as well, but I think i've done that to death over here. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah, it's worth it. Yeah, JCC's over and Taiwan's next week. We get it. Enough already. And so, as I ushered in the new year of 2010 with fireworks and Yello Jello grooviness with a bunch of ripe friends from 7 years ago, and then celebrated the first day of the year with bloody beetroots madness (whoop whoop), it's certainly got off to a real high start. Though I STILL have not watched Avatar yet, as the appointment to do so with Other Bunch Of Ripe Friends (100% NSF, Girls Generation and L4D loving) was shot down thanks to duty. And as I eagerly look forward to commissioning, ORD, and the ORD trip with said ripe friends that WILL come to pass and WILL be extremely psychedelically awesome and legen ... Wait for it ... DARY. (get planning, jev.) I thank God that despite trials and tribulations, He brings respite, relief, real love, and real happiness as well.
Happy 2010 guys, and I hope the only sucky thing about this year is that from now on there are no more awesome new year glasses with the 00 in the middle for the eyes to look through. Damn.
To begin from really the start, that is to say about end december 2008/early jan - february or so, I'll never forget that immensely melancholic period where i really felt as if my heart was rent into a thousand shreds, thanks to a simple statement of an unwitting friend during the twilight hours. For a week or maybe two, there was no sleeping before 4 am because a bleeding heart's in no way a prerequisite for a good night's sleep; rather, it allows for much sitting numbly in front of one's desktop with iTunes belting out one Dashboard Confessional song after another, and lying with eyes wide open on a soft comfortable bed contemplating the mysteries of the universe, entitled 'Why The F*** Does My Life Suck?' Needless to say, I got over it. Yeah, surprising to some, because up till a month or two ago I still have people asking me 'Hey, so are you completely over her already?' I mean, come on. Once in a while, you get to see two people who're really meant for each other, and even if your heart's begging to differ in almost a desperate, pleading manner, your rationale mind can't help but to agree, that happiness where and when it can be found should never be denied. Besides, the army always aids in the deterioration of one's memory.
Come march, the day: that all of us never wanted to arrive but could hardly wait for, came upon us like snow on a winter's day - love/hate with loving the beauty, hating the cold. It was with much trepidation that we gathered first in the canteen in school in our civilian skivvies, all looking right proper as adults (at least most of us) other than the telltale signs of enlistment on the crowns of some of the boys. Inside the hall, our nerves were certainly not helped along by the announcement that 75 percent of the cohort had scored at least an AAA; no one wanted to fill up other 25. There was tangible electricity in the air that day, and we just wanted to pull through it ending up with smiles on our faces. For me, my parents told me how amused they were at my anxious face while queuing up to receive those slips of paper (it sucks to have a surname beginning with Y sometimes!!) [in true Singaporean fashion, we had to queue even for this. I wouldn't be surprised if some dude from outside happens to see the queue and just joins in.] and that when they saw me break out in a relieved smile afterwards, they knew that i couldn't have screwed up too badly. Thanks alot anyway, Maths. In the aftermath (hey, i'm punny.) that followed, there was much elation, but also feelings of a loss at what to say to those disappointed friends. Nothing could really provide any comfort, and in actuality any attempt at crafting soothing phrases would likely be hypocritical. The best course of action was thus to remain silent but remain there for them, and try to pursue other areas of discussion, albeit in a haphazard manner that reeked almost too much of a distractionary maneuver.
There was just enough time for a relaxing trip to Korea (relaxing is spelled H-O-T S-P-R-I-N-G-S) before that fateful day in the month before May (The new Quixotic: now with 100% more rhyme!) where I very, very, very, very, unwillingly packed up my bags and set off to serve the nation, very, very, very, very, unwillingly. I wasn't unused to the regimentation, drills, and everything - two wasted years in the NCC had at least prepared me for those. What i detested was the wresting away of my freedom and how i could see so god damned little of my family and friends. Eventually, I came to accept it, and came to treasure every little thing more than I'd ever done before. And it was certainly a bumper sticker plus point when Tiff magically materialized after my POP :)
As the months slowly drifted past, I found I had yet another young adult crisis to face. Slowly but steadily, some of the people I loved most in the world were flying off to embark on their university adventure in faraway lands. That was really no deal; it was tantamount to telling me that my heart (only having just experienced a full recovery from aforementioned asswhooping, that is to say, if my heart had an ass. Actually the two curved parts of the heart shape.. Never mind.) was going to be ripped out again, pissed upon, and then blended into a fine puree like a Starbucks frappe, and there was nothing I could do about it so if I would please save myself some agony and hand it over voluntarily thankyouverymuch. I reeled at first the thought, then the reality, of ame mel rachel and zix flying off one by one. It even got to the point where I just started tearing one morning in camp during sispec. Fortunately, the blessing bequeathed to us from the tech gods, known commonly as Skype, dulled the pain quite substantially as we chatted away as much as our schedules allowed, and the lovely idiots did not exhibit any signs of change at all so that was wonderful (other than about a 500% increase in swearing proficiency.) and now that in the past month i've seen three of them, i'm quite the happy boy. <3.
I'd list down the crossing over to OCS as well, but I think i've done that to death over here. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah, it's worth it. Yeah, JCC's over and Taiwan's next week. We get it. Enough already. And so, as I ushered in the new year of 2010 with fireworks and Yello Jello grooviness with a bunch of ripe friends from 7 years ago, and then celebrated the first day of the year with bloody beetroots madness (whoop whoop), it's certainly got off to a real high start. Though I STILL have not watched Avatar yet, as the appointment to do so with Other Bunch Of Ripe Friends (100% NSF, Girls Generation and L4D loving) was shot down thanks to duty. And as I eagerly look forward to commissioning, ORD, and the ORD trip with said ripe friends that WILL come to pass and WILL be extremely psychedelically awesome and legen ... Wait for it ... DARY. (get planning, jev.) I thank God that despite trials and tribulations, He brings respite, relief, real love, and real happiness as well.
Happy 2010 guys, and I hope the only sucky thing about this year is that from now on there are no more awesome new year glasses with the 00 in the middle for the eyes to look through. Damn.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Post-Christmas! (:
Despite missing Avatar on Christmas Eve, (because of the limited cinemas with good seats which forced jev to book a 210 show, and thanks to the last minute Leadership Development lesson with Major Psalm (what an interesting name, seriously) resulting in a 3pm bookout) it still turned out to be an awesome day because of the angel@theairport (: (: (: despite meeting for only about 45 minutes! After which a traditional church service at ken's church (which proved to be reaaallllyyy similar to a christmas at city harvest) whetted our appetites for supper at Bedok 85. 2nd time eating the best bachormee in the world, woot. At kennedy's, we waited for elton to turn up and he did, wearing a Silver Surfer tee to match my Iron Man one. Both happened to be his favourite childhood comicbook heroes, and he was very interested in doing chest bumps with me so that both characters could bump each other. We valiantly tried to stay awake when elton brought the animated Iron Man movie for us to watch, but even the chocolates that he brought could not save the Z Monster from overpowering me. My genius idea to turn on the aircon upon entering the house turned around and bit me in the ass at night, 'cos I nearly froze, and ended up squeezing into ken's sofa covers to use them as a blankie.
And seeing (most) of the same faces this blessed Christmas day when ken actually wanted to buy Christmas gifts but I ended up being the one buying gifts, and then winding up all the way at a pasar malam at Yishun and Starbucks Northpoint talking the time away, makes me feel that a friendship like the one you see in HIMYM can just be that real. It's the magic of Christmas to make one draw comparisons like that, and also perhaps a Peppermint Mocha Frappe in one's tummy as well (:
A problem I've found with us human beings, (maybe it's just me) is how we tend to overthink things, or misinterpret certain 'signs' that are actually not signs at all. I think my life would be much better if sometimes I just was not so god damned sensitive. Perhaps then I would not feel that prone to being thrown into the gutter despite what I think I share with you. And you and you and you and you and you. But despite all this, I still think nothing but the world of you; there's something wrong with my thought-processing organ and the muscle that runs my cardiovascular activities.
Sometimes perfection, can be perfect hell.
I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
Sunday, December 20, 2009
YESTERDAY was THE DAY! That my bunch of other brothers, from the Jan batch, finally commissioned after their 9 months of hard training to turn from dogs to gods and being maggots no longer. It was worth going the through the mind-numbing, leg-numbing rehearsals as an usher on Thursday and Friday and then one more time during the actual parade, just to be there to share that moment with them as they flung their peak caps into the air in unison with joy. Although it was not my day (3 months more to go!!!), I felt just as happy as them when I heard the roar and watched as the caps flew into the air all at one go.
And what could be more fitting as icing on the cake than Kennedy getting the sword of honour? Despite being so proud of him since two weeks ago when I heard the news, it was a different feeling altogether to hear his name being read out by the emcee and to watch him thrusting the sword to his chest after receiving it from DPM Teo. Awesome stuff for real, and also to be standing at the back watching our friends, his supporters, scream his name when he was marching past, during the presentation of swords, and during the slow march up - it was worth crossing over purely for this.
But like I was telling Ngiam, it's really funny to look at one of their ranks, the black bar, and then look up and see their familiar face smiling at you. And you know you're required to call them 'Sir' but they won't really accept that from a friend, and all the saluting and everything is just for fun. It's just different from being introduced to another 2LT as your PC or your instructor because you've known these guys for so many years. Just like how when Chinks, Ian and Joseph were in our bunk today, Ngiam and I kept asking them to punish our platoon randomly and Ngiam asked one of our platoon mates who didn't salute them to do so, and Chinks was so embarrassed he tried to close and lock our door. Hilarious.
Feels really great to end (sort of) the year on this high note, and especially since it helps to keep us in contact with each other; also not forgetting that those guys who've always been busy over the weekends can have more time for gatherings now. I smell a 4A reunion in the works. But that will have to wait till I get back from Taiwan, and I think Yelin gets back from wherever he went to after Myanmar.
I think after all this time, and everything that has happened, I've learnt the absolute importance of letting go. Sometimes you just hurt yourself even worse when you clutch onto a moment that's fleeting; sometimes you just need to amputate and then cauterize the wound rather than continue letting that torn limb hang limply by your side.
That still does not mean that it's any easier, though.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
It's certainly been a most interesting weekend! I think one of the more interesting things that happened to me was when I just happened to think to myself, "Man, it's been really long since I last saw Fiona Xie on a magazine cover. I wonder if she's really gone for good from local showbiz." Not more than half an hour later, I went to the nearest newsstand and whom should I see on the cover of both I-Weekly and 8 Days? Yeah you guessed right. Obviously I started reading 8 days straightaway to find out more about what's happening to her. Yes I am unashamedly a fan of hers. I am a guy. Sue me, bitches. (:
Weekends are a precious commodity when you're in the army. Even when you pass out as a commander, or so I've heard from some of my friends, even those posted to BMTC where they're supposed kings, but not any longer because of the changes in the structure of how things are run. Doesn't sound very good, but probably still better than being elsewhere though. Therefore, true to my rules of engagement for the weekends, I spent valuable family time watching The Storm Warriors (i.e. Feng1 Yun2 Er4!!!) with my parents. I still remember how 11 (ELEVEN!!11!11one11!!!1) years ago I, as an 8 year old boy, watched with wide-eyed wonder as Aaron Kwok as Yun2's blood trickled down his arm into the ground which caused his ebon blade to fly out from the Grave of Swords into his grasp, and together, the combined might of Wind and Cloud left no chance for the Lord Conqueror to counterattack. And hence it was with great enthusiasm that I stepped into the cinema - but it was with a heavy heart that I stepped out. Yeah I loved the swordplay and the familiar characters and all but ARGH no closure. That's all I shall say to avoid spoilers.
Talking about rules of engagement, I caught Zombieland this weekend as well. It was a real good time as there was much humour in the show despite it being a zombie gore flick. Having the words Rule No. 1 - Cardio flash in large bold white letters going ding ding ding in the middle of a carpark as the protagonist led two rabid zombies round and round in circles was priceless. Looks like all my running could be put to good use someday, touch wood =D The day was zombiefied as I proceeded to try out L4D2 (Left4Dead2 for the uninitiated) for the first time, and I've come to the conclusion that melee weapons are the sex for taking out the common Horde zombies, whereas you really do still need the good ol' lead pumpin' to take out the special Infected. The whole zombie thing made me wonder if we're not too much desensitized to this whole gore thing, and also made me wonder about the whole fascination with zombies thing. 28 Days Later, Shaun Of The Dead, I Am Legend, Quarantine, Zombieland, these are just like a small drop in the huge pool of zombie flicks that are currently out there. And it's not like each film shares a small piece of the pie - they're all HUGELY successful! Watching a zombie rip out a hapless human victim's throat still disgusts me, but I no longer cringe in utter trepidation when I watch it - I really think I've become numbed because of the sheer amount of zombie themed media we have today. I think when I've got free time I'll see whether anyone's written any article or done any research into why we like this genre so much haha.
Alright it's time to SUIT UP! (penguin suit ]=) once again and take a friendly cab down to Jurong. Dammit looking at hiok's fb status 'penguin one last time' makes me feel so super jealous but YES, my friends have earned their status as officers. It'll be my turn soon in a few months, God willing. And yes Kennedy is THAT good to be the holder of the Sword of Honour from the Singapore Combat Engineers. Haha sounds like he found some epic weapon from WoW.
Weekends are a precious commodity when you're in the army. Even when you pass out as a commander, or so I've heard from some of my friends, even those posted to BMTC where they're supposed kings, but not any longer because of the changes in the structure of how things are run. Doesn't sound very good, but probably still better than being elsewhere though. Therefore, true to my rules of engagement for the weekends, I spent valuable family time watching The Storm Warriors (i.e. Feng1 Yun2 Er4!!!) with my parents. I still remember how 11 (ELEVEN!!11!11one11!!!1) years ago I, as an 8 year old boy, watched with wide-eyed wonder as Aaron Kwok as Yun2's blood trickled down his arm into the ground which caused his ebon blade to fly out from the Grave of Swords into his grasp, and together, the combined might of Wind and Cloud left no chance for the Lord Conqueror to counterattack. And hence it was with great enthusiasm that I stepped into the cinema - but it was with a heavy heart that I stepped out. Yeah I loved the swordplay and the familiar characters and all but ARGH no closure. That's all I shall say to avoid spoilers.
Talking about rules of engagement, I caught Zombieland this weekend as well. It was a real good time as there was much humour in the show despite it being a zombie gore flick. Having the words Rule No. 1 - Cardio flash in large bold white letters going ding ding ding in the middle of a carpark as the protagonist led two rabid zombies round and round in circles was priceless. Looks like all my running could be put to good use someday, touch wood =D The day was zombiefied as I proceeded to try out L4D2 (Left4Dead2 for the uninitiated) for the first time, and I've come to the conclusion that melee weapons are the sex for taking out the common Horde zombies, whereas you really do still need the good ol' lead pumpin' to take out the special Infected. The whole zombie thing made me wonder if we're not too much desensitized to this whole gore thing, and also made me wonder about the whole fascination with zombies thing. 28 Days Later, Shaun Of The Dead, I Am Legend, Quarantine, Zombieland, these are just like a small drop in the huge pool of zombie flicks that are currently out there. And it's not like each film shares a small piece of the pie - they're all HUGELY successful! Watching a zombie rip out a hapless human victim's throat still disgusts me, but I no longer cringe in utter trepidation when I watch it - I really think I've become numbed because of the sheer amount of zombie themed media we have today. I think when I've got free time I'll see whether anyone's written any article or done any research into why we like this genre so much haha.
Alright it's time to SUIT UP! (penguin suit ]=) once again and take a friendly cab down to Jurong. Dammit looking at hiok's fb status 'penguin one last time' makes me feel so super jealous but YES, my friends have earned their status as officers. It'll be my turn soon in a few months, God willing. And yes Kennedy is THAT good to be the holder of the Sword of Honour from the Singapore Combat Engineers. Haha sounds like he found some epic weapon from WoW.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
I remember myself saying, "Even if I don't pass the course, this Brunei trip would have been a real eye-opener and a valuable experience for me." I still stand by this statement. Although army sucks and all, and I am ravaged by mosquito bites/sandfly bites and the subsequent scars from my sensitive-skin-scratching, I walked away from the trip a different person, and it really did effect some change in me.
Like my dad said before I went off to do the 9-day jungle course, "Time to grow up and be a man eh son?" Though he was joking of course, the experience really did make me mature more personally. One such experience was killing the quail. Though I'm not the sappy kind to really think much about it, I was inevitably struck with some hesitation before killing it, but I thought to myself hey, I've got no problem eating those countless chicken wings, KFC, burgers, etc. Why should I have double standards and be appalled at personally killing an animal when throughout my life, I've already indirectly killed so many? So without further any ado I twisted its neck and pulled its head off. Was really quite an intense brush with reality. Especially since I killed two throughout the entire trip, lol.
I still remember during my innocent brownnosed days in BMT, I was talking to hiok about him being in OCS and him perhaps needing to go for JCC. I'd heard about the 9 days with only 2 days of rations. I'd heard about the being alone in the jungle. And I'd been extremely skeptical that it could be done. Hiok was like yeah man but its okay, they give you some signal flares so if you're gonna die you just shoot it in the air. And it's ironic that I eventually ended up doing exactly what I thought others were in for. It was also really about breaking past your own physical and mental boundaries. Like elt told me before the trip when I asked him, 'What about those with smaller builds and unable to carry heavy loads? How do they pull through it?' Vicepres-boy then tapped his head and said "That's why it's all about what's in here."
It's really true, because when you've been climbing slopes and hills and two mountains and walking kilometer after kilometer for 8 days, and the synapses in your legs tell you that your legs are useless and cannot be pulled up to negotiate a slope any longer, it is your mind that cancels these transmissions and forces yourself to move. Mental resolve is definitely not something to be trivialised. It really does count for a hell of a lot.
And so does motivation, as usual. It helps alot when you've got mental images of a Carl's Jr. Portobello Mushroom Double Thickburger in your mind. But sometimes the same image can make you damn hungry and demoralized hahahahaha. Also just thinking about your family, your lovely friends and what kind of inane things you're going to do when it's all over, just keeps pushing you on to complete it well and complete it good.
But at the end of the day, you don't fight for your country: you fight for your buddy next to you, you fight for your loved ones whereever they are, you fight for your friends poring over their books in hostels over the country and across the oceans, and you fight for yourself to make a point that you are more than what you think you are. And in the process of self-discovery, you hope that you split open to reveal a beacon of light that displays the intensity of your metamorphosis to others, so that even they think twice about what you are and what you could be.
Like my dad said before I went off to do the 9-day jungle course, "Time to grow up and be a man eh son?" Though he was joking of course, the experience really did make me mature more personally. One such experience was killing the quail. Though I'm not the sappy kind to really think much about it, I was inevitably struck with some hesitation before killing it, but I thought to myself hey, I've got no problem eating those countless chicken wings, KFC, burgers, etc. Why should I have double standards and be appalled at personally killing an animal when throughout my life, I've already indirectly killed so many? So without further any ado I twisted its neck and pulled its head off. Was really quite an intense brush with reality. Especially since I killed two throughout the entire trip, lol.
I still remember during my innocent brownnosed days in BMT, I was talking to hiok about him being in OCS and him perhaps needing to go for JCC. I'd heard about the 9 days with only 2 days of rations. I'd heard about the being alone in the jungle. And I'd been extremely skeptical that it could be done. Hiok was like yeah man but its okay, they give you some signal flares so if you're gonna die you just shoot it in the air. And it's ironic that I eventually ended up doing exactly what I thought others were in for. It was also really about breaking past your own physical and mental boundaries. Like elt told me before the trip when I asked him, 'What about those with smaller builds and unable to carry heavy loads? How do they pull through it?' Vicepres-boy then tapped his head and said "That's why it's all about what's in here."
It's really true, because when you've been climbing slopes and hills and two mountains and walking kilometer after kilometer for 8 days, and the synapses in your legs tell you that your legs are useless and cannot be pulled up to negotiate a slope any longer, it is your mind that cancels these transmissions and forces yourself to move. Mental resolve is definitely not something to be trivialised. It really does count for a hell of a lot.
And so does motivation, as usual. It helps alot when you've got mental images of a Carl's Jr. Portobello Mushroom Double Thickburger in your mind. But sometimes the same image can make you damn hungry and demoralized hahahahaha. Also just thinking about your family, your lovely friends and what kind of inane things you're going to do when it's all over, just keeps pushing you on to complete it well and complete it good.
But at the end of the day, you don't fight for your country: you fight for your buddy next to you, you fight for your loved ones whereever they are, you fight for your friends poring over their books in hostels over the country and across the oceans, and you fight for yourself to make a point that you are more than what you think you are. And in the process of self-discovery, you hope that you split open to reveal a beacon of light that displays the intensity of your metamorphosis to others, so that even they think twice about what you are and what you could be.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Damn, I eat monstrous burgers [Mega McSpicy, Portobello Mushroom Thickburger, and now the latest XXL Mushroom Swiss NAIS] every time I book out. This is not good for my plan to be able to guest star proudly on Polo Boys in due time to come :P but whatevs, like Elton says, 'Eat all you want! Enjoy life!' YES, I AGREE. Then again, elts the veteran has been to both brunei and taiwan and back, while I'm jetting off in two weeks' time to my first trip, so I should sort of be more focused on maintaining myself. Oh whatthehell, I'm going to be put through some starvation this week anyway so might as well (:
So that's food, check. iPod repaired 2 weeks ago plus $180 speaker - music, check. Alot of campmates request chinese songs when I blast my music during rifle maintenance, but I can only produce a small collection of jay chou. But ironically I'm addicted to a chinese song now hahaha music = life. Relatedly, thankyou mel for safetysuit (: finally, NDS repaired - entertainment, check. Although my stupid emulation device is spoilt and that would be another few weeks repairing it so I can play games, I bought Guitar Hero :D :D :D it's damn cute fiddling and strumming madly but looks really dumb in public so I'm gonna have fun with it in camp.
Take care, all.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wow, it's been quite an awful long time (19 days) since I last posted here, probably due to a combination of factors such as being lazy during block leave and also my stupid computer going down YET AGAIN, and I am absolutely not reconciled with the idea of posting on my mom's uber-irresponsive one haha.
So yes it's kinda ironic that I'm posting from my computer in my bunk in camp -_-, but us humans are like that you know, we only appreciate what we have and only feel certain kinds of motivation when we are denied certain things - like how I get all contemplatative, reflective, and all writer's-finger-itchy when I'm stoning the minutes away in here. But doing that keeps me sane. Well, that, and the copious amounts of suaning, bickering, ribbing etc. (peppered with many, many choice swear words).
A few awesome updates on my life: firstly, after 6 months in the stupid organization of green fools, I have finally managed to get gold for IPPT. it's really quite a big achievement and a relief for me, being someone who only touched the bar seriously in RJ so as to avoid another 2 extra months of NS, and right before enlisting could only muster a measly 5 chinups at best. Although I put in all the effort training with the sole reason to avoid remedial trainings, I note with a certain level of amusement that I haven't done a single remedial training at all. (BMT - only RT sessions were for people who failed two stations and back then I only failed one, SISPEC - managed to train up to 8 chinups for the IPPT in the 3rd week) And now, I never ever will have to. An added perk is being able to proudly wear that stupid gold-threaded badge with the idiotic running man (who runs like that?!). O and did I mention the additional 100 bucks I get? More Haegen-Dazs for me (: Yes I know that is directly in contrast to being physically fit. But I don't give a shit. Hey, that rhymes! :D Now all I have to do is clear the stupid standard obstacle course under 9:30 this week and that leaves no worries for me anymore, other than of course the horrendous brunei trip that's in less than a month's time. Relatedly, I hope elton's not foaming too badly in taiwan and taking care of himself there. Hiok too.
In other news, we're well into pro term with this being the 3rd week, and these nice low-key admin weeks with the lectures and stuff are going to come to an end soon with really short bookouts as they prepare us for JCC. Life is going to suck until early December pretty much. I guess I just have to tahan this crap for about a month and a half because what I get in the end is worth it (I think). And it's always great when your bed buddy is 1) from RJ 2) your personal friend from RI & RJ 3) a humongous gigantic music-lover 4) an appointment holder at the same time as you so the two of you work double-quick time to sort out any shit, as well as the messy, smelly bunk. (:
Although I've been able to meet up with my friends rather often all these weekends, I still feel the constant pangs of misery of missing my dear overseas friends, and also those friends that I am hardly able to meet up with, or have all but lost contact with. I remember that I am supposed to be lifelong friends with a few people but life has inevitably stolen us away from each other. I think I should do something about that.
But it always puts a smile on my face to be able to meet up with my longsuffering friends of 7 years, 5 years, and even 2 (teef I have opened 2 windows, your document and this at the same time <: <: <: ) years so often and spend long hours doing meaningless and yet meaningful things.
'I realized, that Tom was right about everything!'
'You were only wrong about me.'
I've got this feeling, that I'm definitely not wrong about any one of you (:
So yes it's kinda ironic that I'm posting from my computer in my bunk in camp -_-, but us humans are like that you know, we only appreciate what we have and only feel certain kinds of motivation when we are denied certain things - like how I get all contemplatative, reflective, and all writer's-finger-itchy when I'm stoning the minutes away in here. But doing that keeps me sane. Well, that, and the copious amounts of suaning, bickering, ribbing etc. (peppered with many, many choice swear words).
A few awesome updates on my life: firstly, after 6 months in the stupid organization of green fools, I have finally managed to get gold for IPPT. it's really quite a big achievement and a relief for me, being someone who only touched the bar seriously in RJ so as to avoid another 2 extra months of NS, and right before enlisting could only muster a measly 5 chinups at best. Although I put in all the effort training with the sole reason to avoid remedial trainings, I note with a certain level of amusement that I haven't done a single remedial training at all. (BMT - only RT sessions were for people who failed two stations and back then I only failed one, SISPEC - managed to train up to 8 chinups for the IPPT in the 3rd week) And now, I never ever will have to. An added perk is being able to proudly wear that stupid gold-threaded badge with the idiotic running man (who runs like that?!). O and did I mention the additional 100 bucks I get? More Haegen-Dazs for me (: Yes I know that is directly in contrast to being physically fit. But I don't give a shit. Hey, that rhymes! :D Now all I have to do is clear the stupid standard obstacle course under 9:30 this week and that leaves no worries for me anymore, other than of course the horrendous brunei trip that's in less than a month's time. Relatedly, I hope elton's not foaming too badly in taiwan and taking care of himself there. Hiok too.
In other news, we're well into pro term with this being the 3rd week, and these nice low-key admin weeks with the lectures and stuff are going to come to an end soon with really short bookouts as they prepare us for JCC. Life is going to suck until early December pretty much. I guess I just have to tahan this crap for about a month and a half because what I get in the end is worth it (I think). And it's always great when your bed buddy is 1) from RJ 2) your personal friend from RI & RJ 3) a humongous gigantic music-lover 4) an appointment holder at the same time as you so the two of you work double-quick time to sort out any shit, as well as the messy, smelly bunk. (:
Although I've been able to meet up with my friends rather often all these weekends, I still feel the constant pangs of misery of missing my dear overseas friends, and also those friends that I am hardly able to meet up with, or have all but lost contact with. I remember that I am supposed to be lifelong friends with a few people but life has inevitably stolen us away from each other. I think I should do something about that.
But it always puts a smile on my face to be able to meet up with my longsuffering friends of 7 years, 5 years, and even 2 (teef I have opened 2 windows, your document and this at the same time <: <: <: ) years so often and spend long hours doing meaningless and yet meaningful things.
'I realized, that Tom was right about everything!'
'You were only wrong about me.'
I've got this feeling, that I'm definitely not wrong about any one of you (:
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I thought that the world had lost its way
(it's so hard sometimes)
then I fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away;
as friends, we have to make tough decisions sometimes. It's hard, really, to just keep quiet and let your friends make the mistakes that they do - because you don't want to see them get hurt. This is amplified a thousand times when you see your friends chasing a dream that's just out of their reach, and although it pains you when you listen to them describe their efforts, pour out their doubts and fears, culminating in the sound of their hearts shattering.
but falling in love is a good thing. I've always believed so and although it's not like I'm an accomplished wild-game hunter with many kills represented by notches on my belt, I've always come out for the better. Because being in love, having that someone that you fall in love with - that someone's not only the light of your life, that someone's the lighthouse in your life. They give off a beacon that dictates what choices you make, what changes you go through, how you live your life. And more often than not, you live your life for the better. While not for any noble purpose, but rather the seemingly trivial purpose of bettering yourself such that you put yourself in a better light to that person, the impact of it is not taken away - you will indefinitely see positive changes in yourself.
and that's not exactly restricted to romantic love, actually. Platonic love is perfectly capable of stimulating similar changes within us, although on a somewhat diminished scale, because unless you, I don't know, escaped from a concentration camp and various unmentionable tortures with this friend of yours, it normally doesn't seem as right to make as great sacrifices in the name of the friendship that you share. But it works, it still works. When you feel so close to a person that you're willing to go through hell and high water in order to keep that closeness intact. I believe many of us have felt this before. I feel it all the time. Sometimes I'm pretty idealistic - to the point of foolishness, perhaps? I don't really care.
all I know is, I kind of, sorta, really miss that illuminating glow that lighthouses cast. maybe in this season of my life, there aren't really any sharp rocks for me to dash myself onto, so I don't need the guiding light that they provide? Food for thought. but actually if I look hard enough, I'll always be able to spot the light, even from afar..
P/S: MissYouMs.Mel! Online is not a bad status. X)
do I try too hard to make you smile? to make us smile-
(it's so hard sometimes)
then I fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away;
as friends, we have to make tough decisions sometimes. It's hard, really, to just keep quiet and let your friends make the mistakes that they do - because you don't want to see them get hurt. This is amplified a thousand times when you see your friends chasing a dream that's just out of their reach, and although it pains you when you listen to them describe their efforts, pour out their doubts and fears, culminating in the sound of their hearts shattering.
but falling in love is a good thing. I've always believed so and although it's not like I'm an accomplished wild-game hunter with many kills represented by notches on my belt, I've always come out for the better. Because being in love, having that someone that you fall in love with - that someone's not only the light of your life, that someone's the lighthouse in your life. They give off a beacon that dictates what choices you make, what changes you go through, how you live your life. And more often than not, you live your life for the better. While not for any noble purpose, but rather the seemingly trivial purpose of bettering yourself such that you put yourself in a better light to that person, the impact of it is not taken away - you will indefinitely see positive changes in yourself.
and that's not exactly restricted to romantic love, actually. Platonic love is perfectly capable of stimulating similar changes within us, although on a somewhat diminished scale, because unless you, I don't know, escaped from a concentration camp and various unmentionable tortures with this friend of yours, it normally doesn't seem as right to make as great sacrifices in the name of the friendship that you share. But it works, it still works. When you feel so close to a person that you're willing to go through hell and high water in order to keep that closeness intact. I believe many of us have felt this before. I feel it all the time. Sometimes I'm pretty idealistic - to the point of foolishness, perhaps? I don't really care.
all I know is, I kind of, sorta, really miss that illuminating glow that lighthouses cast. maybe in this season of my life, there aren't really any sharp rocks for me to dash myself onto, so I don't need the guiding light that they provide? Food for thought. but actually if I look hard enough, I'll always be able to spot the light, even from afar..
P/S: MissYouMs.Mel! Online is not a bad status. X)
do I try too hard to make you smile? to make us smile-
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Having sent zix off on sunday, I'm now devoid of so many of those dear to me. I miss each and every one of them terribly, but I know that really, what I feel is nothing compared to what they are facing. Although it's true that I'm experiencing a tougher time in the army, I still have my family to go home to every weekend and sometimes (like now) for long periods of time. And although they've already made friends and more or less settled down (or at least tried their best to) in their own new environments, it's going to take a lot more time for them to feel totally comfortable and at ease. And that's not forgetting that even with the connection that online communication provides, nothing beats physical presence and accompaniment. I think it would be really hard for me to be apart from my family for such long periods of time. (they're mostly only going to come back in June next year!!)
I'd say we all have to learn to change and to adapt for nearly our entire lifespan. Just as I'm slowly settling into officer cadetship in echo wing, they're acclimatizing themselves to how their schools are run; how their roommates and the people they hang out with function; and the nearly-completely different cultures that these distant places possess. And being nineteen year old girls fresh out of junior college, they have to deal with the standard hormonal, relational, emotional issues that we've all been dealing with for our student life. All the more so that they're in a permanent institution a good four or five years, it's no surprise then that they'd start thinking about finding their future partners more so than those of us here who think that we've got more time to spare. Besides, they're probably coming back here anyway, so the time is ripe indeed. To that, all I can say is that I hope they manage to find someone who makes them happy and loves them unconditionally, more so with each passing day. There is nothing more important than the feeling of sheer happiness that you can get when you're with someone, and it's rare and precious to find somehing like that.
I've been quite the lucky boy all my life, other than in one niggling area that is really quite disheartening but irrelevant at this point in time so I shall not ruin my happy block leave by thinking about it (: and it may be just my inner leonidas speaking, but like how cheo puts it, this is a rite of passage, rich in memories and experiences. It will toughen us mentally, and we will steel ourselves physically. We learn a myriad of skills, quite a few of which we can translate into our lives in the future. And anybody who misses out on the rapid mental development and acceleration of one's maturity (when the time calls for it, of course. I'm still very much full of it most of the time ^^) is, really, deprived of that life-changing experience. That spark that ignites an evolution within them. The homogeneous issue that all (most) of us can relate to and talk about, way into our elder years.
There's only so much difference between a day job and JC life. Although I miss school so much such that the books might as well be comics and the teachers might as well all be megan fox, I'm glad that I'm not spending another two years of my life in an adult version of JC.
I'd say we all have to learn to change and to adapt for nearly our entire lifespan. Just as I'm slowly settling into officer cadetship in echo wing, they're acclimatizing themselves to how their schools are run; how their roommates and the people they hang out with function; and the nearly-completely different cultures that these distant places possess. And being nineteen year old girls fresh out of junior college, they have to deal with the standard hormonal, relational, emotional issues that we've all been dealing with for our student life. All the more so that they're in a permanent institution a good four or five years, it's no surprise then that they'd start thinking about finding their future partners more so than those of us here who think that we've got more time to spare. Besides, they're probably coming back here anyway, so the time is ripe indeed. To that, all I can say is that I hope they manage to find someone who makes them happy and loves them unconditionally, more so with each passing day. There is nothing more important than the feeling of sheer happiness that you can get when you're with someone, and it's rare and precious to find somehing like that.
I've been quite the lucky boy all my life, other than in one niggling area that is really quite disheartening but irrelevant at this point in time so I shall not ruin my happy block leave by thinking about it (: and it may be just my inner leonidas speaking, but like how cheo puts it, this is a rite of passage, rich in memories and experiences. It will toughen us mentally, and we will steel ourselves physically. We learn a myriad of skills, quite a few of which we can translate into our lives in the future. And anybody who misses out on the rapid mental development and acceleration of one's maturity (when the time calls for it, of course. I'm still very much full of it most of the time ^^) is, really, deprived of that life-changing experience. That spark that ignites an evolution within them. The homogeneous issue that all (most) of us can relate to and talk about, way into our elder years.
There's only so much difference between a day job and JC life. Although I miss school so much such that the books might as well be comics and the teachers might as well all be megan fox, I'm glad that I'm not spending another two years of my life in an adult version of JC.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Sorry for the lack of updates! It's been nothing but a whirlwind as of late, and sometimes it's really rare to find a moment to collect all of my thoughts to pen them down.
Perhaps, beginning with those events that have significantly impacted life as of late seems most apt. I'd have to say .. it's been really hard dealing with the departure of mel and rachel to that great city where How I Met Your Mother is filmed, New York. You can't really do anything when integral parts of your life are torn away and you have no choice but to let them go, you know? Although daily life might get you caught up in its tempo, but the ache of the loss will always be there, intensely amplified in those lonely moments when you reach for the phone meaning to call that someone, only to realize with a sad smile to yourself that the person's not going to be so easily there for you anymore. If I know myself, I'm pretty sure that even in february of next year, I'd still be reminiscing on how mel ame zix and I hung out in cathay cineleisure that first time after CT1 in J1, because it's just impossible to let go of these memories. Memories that fill my life with colour and meaning, which give me something to smile about. That, I guess, is how I shall cope with their absence - all those times that I shared with them. Studying with rachel in the basement of grand cathay - drinking milk tea, eating shihlin's happy box; she was my pillar of support and supplier of my insider information during one of the most trying periods of my life, a person I could pour our all my sorrows to and someone who'd tell me how stupid I was but still pray for the best for me even as I trudged down a path of folly. Making mel cry in the second or so week that I'd known her, and feeling terribly guilty about it; the everyday suans that earned me the title of bitch; the everyday conversations from the academic to the trivial gossip to the serious stuff; her incessant ungrounded insecurities that drove me perpetually insane - she was my coffee, my glamourizer, someone who I'd listen to without fail because it just made sense. It's impossible to sum up how much they meant, and mean, to me. But I believe in a future which still features them prominently in my life, if only because I choose to make it so.
Other than that, another major shaker in my life would be this action of mine of crossing over to OCS. I'd say ... it's both a dumb and a wise move, but all in all I feel I did the right thing. If everyone stays in, what's the point of staying out? I'd say this statement is particularly true, especially since all the womenfolk are in university anyway. It's not like I'm going to have ample company if I go and get myself a reduced PES status and an eight to fiver. Although life is indeed much tougher and the training much more rigorous, I believe the experience of the next six or so months will be useful for my personal development, and cause me to grow that much more though I have already learnt and matured much since I entered the service.
People say that the 2 years in army are a buffer period for boys to grow to men, that they are sheltered in another 'forced to be here' environment where they are taken care of pretty well and not thrown out into the real world to take some lessons from the school of hard knocks. I.e., girls and NS guys who have stay-out positions have to deal with real-life problems and mature faster. Nonsense. I'd give anything to start school right now, although all the girls are complaining about how tough university is and the insane schedules. Granted, it is a hectic life, but personally for me, it's something that I have a great deal of motivation to strive for, and besides, much of my schedule is determined by myself anyway. I take my own breaks. I organize my own work sessions. And although chionging in the vegetation and rigorous physical training and planning and everything that is the life of a majority of us NS boys now can indeed be classified 'stupid' and 'a waste of time' by myself at times, and those happily holding stayout positions, I'd feel that I'm really missing out on a great treasure trove of experiences if I were stuck in an office all day. Sure, I'm guilty myself of calling it 'living the dream', and 'what all NS boys want', but put me in that position and I'd be complaining just the same. I love to slack. Who doesn't like to slack? But sometimes you just have to pull up your socks and go out there and be a man. Well, whatever you call it, it's a rite of passage, and I'm glad I'm on the way to earning the right to call myself a man by the time I hit the good old 21.
I'm glad, though, that during my stint in NS here, I've got so many things to accompany me and keep me happy and to thank God about. Although it'd be great to have everyone that I hold close to my heart here together with me, I make do with what I have! In fact, I can think immediately of a great deal of things that make me happy. (:
x my family. I love my mom. 'Nuff said. I spend a much greater amount of time talking to my dad nowadays and it's been rather good. I have a brother who, contrary to what he previously believed and in stark contrast to his life before, is enjoying university life tremendously and being much less of a problem for my parents, and also someone to pal around with.
x my friends. just last saturday night, I had an awesome time (as usual) with kennedy and company, my bunch of overachiever 2H friends who are nearly all commissioning in december soon, leaving poor guonian and me to usher for them, other than stupid junliang who is on a grand total of 5 months MC. also, did I mention that ngiam is in my platoon, living and owning, in the bunk opposite mine? and oh, btw just for your info, i love it when you call, i love it when you call, i love it when you call, butchu never call at all (ok the last line is just not true hahah) teefy (: and calling you too. a busybee lalan, who is getting hammered close to death with her uni schedule, and is sick now (great). hm, there's a problem, I haven't met huige nicky and all for too long, we kind of need to celebrate benny's birthday. and taufiq's a jerk who's preoccupied with his girlfriend :P
x food.
1x mega mcspicy meal
1x turkish kebab
1x takopachi
1x honey chicken chop
2x pints haegen-dazs
2x pints andersen's of denmark
1x starbucks dark mocha venti frappucino
2x packets pepperidge farm soft baked dark chocolate brownie cookies
in one weekend. legen- wait for it... DARY.
x entertainment
I saved nicole for this segment, because firstly nicole the retard alone is great entertainment, secondly I koped her hard drive with 4 seasons of how i met your mother, 5 seasons of house, gossip girl, 20 seasons of the simpsons, about 30 movies including all the harry potter movies, star wars movies, LOTR movies, omg I have going to have an AWESOME block leave.
Also, having spent at least 500 bucks on all my warcraft novels, comics, and the entire fables comics series, I am eagerly anticipating the next volume of each. I love comics. Sue me.
I am not going to continue, if not I am going to get stoned by people jealous of how great my life is. At times. X)
Perhaps, beginning with those events that have significantly impacted life as of late seems most apt. I'd have to say .. it's been really hard dealing with the departure of mel and rachel to that great city where How I Met Your Mother is filmed, New York. You can't really do anything when integral parts of your life are torn away and you have no choice but to let them go, you know? Although daily life might get you caught up in its tempo, but the ache of the loss will always be there, intensely amplified in those lonely moments when you reach for the phone meaning to call that someone, only to realize with a sad smile to yourself that the person's not going to be so easily there for you anymore. If I know myself, I'm pretty sure that even in february of next year, I'd still be reminiscing on how mel ame zix and I hung out in cathay cineleisure that first time after CT1 in J1, because it's just impossible to let go of these memories. Memories that fill my life with colour and meaning, which give me something to smile about. That, I guess, is how I shall cope with their absence - all those times that I shared with them. Studying with rachel in the basement of grand cathay - drinking milk tea, eating shihlin's happy box; she was my pillar of support and supplier of my insider information during one of the most trying periods of my life, a person I could pour our all my sorrows to and someone who'd tell me how stupid I was but still pray for the best for me even as I trudged down a path of folly. Making mel cry in the second or so week that I'd known her, and feeling terribly guilty about it; the everyday suans that earned me the title of bitch; the everyday conversations from the academic to the trivial gossip to the serious stuff; her incessant ungrounded insecurities that drove me perpetually insane - she was my coffee, my glamourizer, someone who I'd listen to without fail because it just made sense. It's impossible to sum up how much they meant, and mean, to me. But I believe in a future which still features them prominently in my life, if only because I choose to make it so.
Other than that, another major shaker in my life would be this action of mine of crossing over to OCS. I'd say ... it's both a dumb and a wise move, but all in all I feel I did the right thing. If everyone stays in, what's the point of staying out? I'd say this statement is particularly true, especially since all the womenfolk are in university anyway. It's not like I'm going to have ample company if I go and get myself a reduced PES status and an eight to fiver. Although life is indeed much tougher and the training much more rigorous, I believe the experience of the next six or so months will be useful for my personal development, and cause me to grow that much more though I have already learnt and matured much since I entered the service.
People say that the 2 years in army are a buffer period for boys to grow to men, that they are sheltered in another 'forced to be here' environment where they are taken care of pretty well and not thrown out into the real world to take some lessons from the school of hard knocks. I.e., girls and NS guys who have stay-out positions have to deal with real-life problems and mature faster. Nonsense. I'd give anything to start school right now, although all the girls are complaining about how tough university is and the insane schedules. Granted, it is a hectic life, but personally for me, it's something that I have a great deal of motivation to strive for, and besides, much of my schedule is determined by myself anyway. I take my own breaks. I organize my own work sessions. And although chionging in the vegetation and rigorous physical training and planning and everything that is the life of a majority of us NS boys now can indeed be classified 'stupid' and 'a waste of time' by myself at times, and those happily holding stayout positions, I'd feel that I'm really missing out on a great treasure trove of experiences if I were stuck in an office all day. Sure, I'm guilty myself of calling it 'living the dream', and 'what all NS boys want', but put me in that position and I'd be complaining just the same. I love to slack. Who doesn't like to slack? But sometimes you just have to pull up your socks and go out there and be a man. Well, whatever you call it, it's a rite of passage, and I'm glad I'm on the way to earning the right to call myself a man by the time I hit the good old 21.
I'm glad, though, that during my stint in NS here, I've got so many things to accompany me and keep me happy and to thank God about. Although it'd be great to have everyone that I hold close to my heart here together with me, I make do with what I have! In fact, I can think immediately of a great deal of things that make me happy. (:
x my family. I love my mom. 'Nuff said. I spend a much greater amount of time talking to my dad nowadays and it's been rather good. I have a brother who, contrary to what he previously believed and in stark contrast to his life before, is enjoying university life tremendously and being much less of a problem for my parents, and also someone to pal around with.
x my friends. just last saturday night, I had an awesome time (as usual) with kennedy and company, my bunch of overachiever 2H friends who are nearly all commissioning in december soon, leaving poor guonian and me to usher for them, other than stupid junliang who is on a grand total of 5 months MC. also, did I mention that ngiam is in my platoon, living and owning, in the bunk opposite mine? and oh, btw just for your info, i love it when you call, i love it when you call, i love it when you call, butchu never call at all (ok the last line is just not true hahah) teefy (: and calling you too. a busybee lalan, who is getting hammered close to death with her uni schedule, and is sick now (great). hm, there's a problem, I haven't met huige nicky and all for too long, we kind of need to celebrate benny's birthday. and taufiq's a jerk who's preoccupied with his girlfriend :P
x food.
1x mega mcspicy meal
1x turkish kebab
1x takopachi
1x honey chicken chop
2x pints haegen-dazs
2x pints andersen's of denmark
1x starbucks dark mocha venti frappucino
2x packets pepperidge farm soft baked dark chocolate brownie cookies
in one weekend. legen- wait for it... DARY.
x entertainment
I saved nicole for this segment, because firstly nicole the retard alone is great entertainment, secondly I koped her hard drive with 4 seasons of how i met your mother, 5 seasons of house, gossip girl, 20 seasons of the simpsons, about 30 movies including all the harry potter movies, star wars movies, LOTR movies, omg I have going to have an AWESOME block leave.
Also, having spent at least 500 bucks on all my warcraft novels, comics, and the entire fables comics series, I am eagerly anticipating the next volume of each. I love comics. Sue me.
I am not going to continue, if not I am going to get stoned by people jealous of how great my life is. At times. X)
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Can't live with them, can't live without them;
I don't know when it started, but I realize that for a good amount of years of my life, I've been trying and failing to understand the mystery of the female homo sapiens.
What are females to us men? Rather than merely objectifying them as trophy wives or sex objects, I think they are the salt to our pepper, the Yin to our Yang, the ... well you get it. They are the cool breeze that blows to calm the raging tempest in our souls, the ones that we can really lie down, gaze up at the stars and talk for hours with about nothing at all. Us guys, we like to initiate HTHTs (for the uninitiated, that means heart-to-heart-talks see also MTMT: man-to-man-talk) but really, we normally tend to open up and bare our souls more often to females (or maybe that's just me.)
Females have a way of tugging at emotional cords entrenched deep within us. It's the truth. The two times that I've cried so far in the army, were both because of females. The first was because I was so extremely touched by my mum's efforts in taking care of me and the fact that I realized that I was taking her for granted, that I bawled like a child on a taxi to White Sands during BMT. The second, was because the overwhelming sense of sadness due to the realization that one of my close friends had really left and the raw, almost bestial desperation at knowing that other ones I hold dear to my heart would soon follow hit me like a sledgehammer to the head and I just started tearing in my bunk in Pasir Laba.
It's much easier to do something for a female friend than for a close buddy. With us guys, most things are common understandings, and we don't go out of our way to do something special most of the time, because firstly that's gay and secondly being from RI, we've got so many bro-mances to keep up with that to do such things for all of them would not only burn a hole in our wallets and leave dark circles around our eyes, it would also incinerate the ashes from the hole burnt out of the wallets and cause the dark circles to become black holes that sucked our eyeballs in. But with females, it pleases us to see the smile lighting up their porcelain features and their eyes sparkling with happiness when they know that you've done something meaningful for them.
But females drive us completely, utterly, irrevocably out of our minds. They drive us crazy. They drive us up the wall. They are creatures that have honed their skills to a fine edge, with exceedingly well-crafted expertise. They know what strings of ours to pull, and are adept at giving us certain bits of information while withholding the essential stuff. We are almost always at a loss as to how to approach them. We can't fathom for nuts what they are thinking, and often misinterpret their words and actions to be signs or hints or anything along those lines, and we act and think accordingly but most of the time turn out to be 99.9% wrong. Girls are like ninjas and we are the samurai. They are masters of stealth, disguise, sleuth, and sometimes deceit and deception, while we are strong, brash, loud, barrel-chested, concentrating on brute force, while sometimes boorish and inconsiderate.
I remember reading a Marvel book one day and Wolverine, with a cigar in his mouth, took a puff and blew out the smoke while looking at some other costumed chick striding away angrily (I guess good ol' wolvie had done her some injustice), and he shook his head and said 'Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.' Wise words. But not everyone's like Hugh Jackman (the only guy I would turn gay for other than Brandon Flowers)'s titular character, with the savoir-faire to score with any woman they wanted, and only strip down their tough exterior to share true love with the one that they chose (who of course was attracted to him first due to aforementioned savoir-faire in the first place).
Females, rather than being pirated playstation games, are the real deal that you find in arcades: with them, there is no such thing as unlimited lives. You get one, maybe a few chances (did I mention that these arcades are out of tokens for you to exchange?) and that's it; you're done. They don't really care, you know. Because ultimately, females are simply humans like us as well. They want what's best for themselves. They live their lives with the basic human instinct of survival. And so, if you don't fit into the plan that they, with their incorrigibly meticulous and cautionary attitude, have carved out for their lives, well then that's just too bad.
It is the worst imaginable fortune to become beguiled with a terrible beauty.
Pray that it never happens to you.
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