I remember myself saying, "Even if I don't pass the course, this Brunei trip would have been a real eye-opener and a valuable experience for me." I still stand by this statement. Although army sucks and all, and I am ravaged by mosquito bites/sandfly bites and the subsequent scars from my sensitive-skin-scratching, I walked away from the trip a different person, and it really did effect some change in me.

Like my dad said before I went off to do the 9-day jungle course, "Time to grow up and be a man eh son?" Though he was joking of course, the experience really did make me mature more personally. One such experience was killing the quail. Though I'm not the sappy kind to really think much about it, I was inevitably struck with some hesitation before killing it, but I thought to myself hey, I've got no problem eating those countless chicken wings, KFC, burgers, etc. Why should I have double standards and be appalled at personally killing an animal when throughout my life, I've already indirectly killed so many? So without further any ado I twisted its neck and pulled its head off. Was really quite an intense brush with reality. Especially since I killed two throughout the entire trip, lol.

I still remember during my innocent brownnosed days in BMT, I was talking to hiok about him being in OCS and him perhaps needing to go for JCC. I'd heard about the 9 days with only 2 days of rations. I'd heard about the being alone in the jungle. And I'd been extremely skeptical that it could be done. Hiok was like yeah man but its okay, they give you some signal flares so if you're gonna die you just shoot it in the air. And it's ironic that I eventually ended up doing exactly what I thought others were in for. It was also really about breaking past your own physical and mental boundaries. Like elt told me before the trip when I asked him, 'What about those with smaller builds and unable to carry heavy loads? How do they pull through it?' Vicepres-boy then tapped his head and said "That's why it's all about what's in here."

It's really true, because when you've been climbing slopes and hills and two mountains and walking kilometer after kilometer for 8 days, and the synapses in your legs tell you that your legs are useless and cannot be pulled up to negotiate a slope any longer, it is your mind that cancels these transmissions and forces yourself to move. Mental resolve is definitely not something to be trivialised. It really does count for a hell of a lot.

And so does motivation, as usual. It helps alot when you've got mental images of a Carl's Jr. Portobello Mushroom Double Thickburger in your mind. But sometimes the same image can make you damn hungry and demoralized hahahahaha. Also just thinking about your family, your lovely friends and what kind of inane things you're going to do when it's all over, just keeps pushing you on to complete it well and complete it good.

But at the end of the day, you don't fight for your country: you fight for your buddy next to you, you fight for your loved ones whereever they are, you fight for your friends poring over their books in hostels over the country and across the oceans, and you fight for yourself to make a point that you are more than what you think you are. And in the process of self-discovery, you hope that you split open to reveal a beacon of light that displays the intensity of your metamorphosis to others, so that even they think twice about what you are and what you could be.

Damn, I eat monstrous burgers [Mega McSpicy, Portobello Mushroom Thickburger, and now the latest XXL Mushroom Swiss NAIS] every time I book out. This is not good for my plan to be able to guest star proudly on Polo Boys in due time to come :P but whatevs, like Elton says, 'Eat all you want! Enjoy life!' YES, I AGREE. Then again, elts the veteran has been to both brunei and taiwan and back, while I'm jetting off in two weeks' time to my first trip, so I should sort of be more focused on maintaining myself. Oh whatthehell, I'm going to be put through some starvation this week anyway so might as well (:

So that's food, check. iPod repaired 2 weeks ago plus $180 speaker - music, check. Alot of campmates request chinese songs when I blast my music during rifle maintenance, but I can only produce a small collection of jay chou. But ironically I'm addicted to a chinese song now hahaha music = life. Relatedly, thankyou mel for safetysuit (: finally, NDS repaired - entertainment, check. Although my stupid emulation device is spoilt and that would be another few weeks repairing it so I can play games, I bought Guitar Hero :D :D :D it's damn cute fiddling and strumming madly but looks really dumb in public so I'm gonna have fun with it in camp.

Take care, all.

Wow, it's been quite an awful long time (19 days) since I last posted here, probably due to a combination of factors such as being lazy during block leave and also my stupid computer going down YET AGAIN, and I am absolutely not reconciled with the idea of posting on my mom's uber-irresponsive one haha.

So yes it's kinda ironic that I'm posting from my computer in my bunk in camp -_-, but us humans are like that you know, we only appreciate what we have and only feel certain kinds of motivation when we are denied certain things - like how I get all contemplatative, reflective, and all writer's-finger-itchy when I'm stoning the minutes away in here. But doing that keeps me sane. Well, that, and the copious amounts of suaning, bickering, ribbing etc. (peppered with many, many choice swear words).

A few awesome updates on my life: firstly, after 6 months in the stupid organization of green fools, I have finally managed to get gold for IPPT. it's really quite a big achievement and a relief for me, being someone who only touched the bar seriously in RJ so as to avoid another 2 extra months of NS, and right before enlisting could only muster a measly 5 chinups at best. Although I put in all the effort training with the sole reason to avoid remedial trainings, I note with a certain level of amusement that I haven't done a single remedial training at all. (BMT - only RT sessions were for people who failed two stations and back then I only failed one, SISPEC - managed to train up to 8 chinups for the IPPT in the 3rd week) And now, I never ever will have to. An added perk is being able to proudly wear that stupid gold-threaded badge with the idiotic running man (who runs like that?!). O and did I mention the additional 100 bucks I get? More Haegen-Dazs for me (: Yes I know that is directly in contrast to being physically fit. But I don't give a shit. Hey, that rhymes! :D Now all I have to do is clear the stupid standard obstacle course under 9:30 this week and that leaves no worries for me anymore, other than of course the horrendous brunei trip that's in less than a month's time. Relatedly, I hope elton's not foaming too badly in taiwan and taking care of himself there. Hiok too.


In other news, we're well into pro term with this being the 3rd week, and these nice low-key admin weeks with the lectures and stuff are going to come to an end soon with really short bookouts as they prepare us for JCC. Life is going to suck until early December pretty much. I guess I just have to tahan this crap for about a month and a half because what I get in the end is worth it (I think). And it's always great when your bed buddy is 1) from RJ 2) your personal friend from RI & RJ 3) a humongous gigantic music-lover 4) an appointment holder at the same time as you so the two of you work double-quick time to sort out any shit, as well as the messy, smelly bunk. (:

Although I've been able to meet up with my friends rather often all these weekends, I still feel the constant pangs of misery of missing my dear overseas friends, and also those friends that I am hardly able to meet up with, or have all but lost contact with. I remember that I am supposed to be lifelong friends with a few people but life has inevitably stolen us away from each other. I think I should do something about that.

But it always puts a smile on my face to be able to meet up with my longsuffering friends of 7 years, 5 years, and even 2 (teef I have opened 2 windows, your document and this at the same time <: <: <: ) years so often and spend long hours doing meaningless and yet meaningful things.

'I realized, that Tom was right about everything!'
'You were only wrong about me.'

I've got this feeling, that I'm definitely not wrong about any one of you (:

I thought that the world had lost its way
(it's so hard sometimes)
then I fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away;

as friends, we have to make tough decisions sometimes. It's hard, really, to just keep quiet and let your friends make the mistakes that they do - because you don't want to see them get hurt. This is amplified a thousand times when you see your friends chasing a dream that's just out of their reach, and although it pains you when you listen to them describe their efforts, pour out their doubts and fears, culminating in the sound of their hearts shattering.

but falling in love is a good thing. I've always believed so and although it's not like I'm an accomplished wild-game hunter with many kills represented by notches on my belt, I've always come out for the better. Because being in love, having that someone that you fall in love with - that someone's not only the light of your life, that someone's the lighthouse in your life. They give off a beacon that dictates what choices you make, what changes you go through, how you live your life. And more often than not, you live your life for the better. While not for any noble purpose, but rather the seemingly trivial purpose of bettering yourself such that you put yourself in a better light to that person, the impact of it is not taken away - you will indefinitely see positive changes in yourself.

and that's not exactly restricted to romantic love, actually. Platonic love is perfectly capable of stimulating similar changes within us, although on a somewhat diminished scale, because unless you, I don't know, escaped from a concentration camp and various unmentionable tortures with this friend of yours, it normally doesn't seem as right to make as great sacrifices in the name of the friendship that you share. But it works, it still works. When you feel so close to a person that you're willing to go through hell and high water in order to keep that closeness intact. I believe many of us have felt this before. I feel it all the time. Sometimes I'm pretty idealistic - to the point of foolishness, perhaps? I don't really care.

all I know is, I kind of, sorta, really miss that illuminating glow that lighthouses cast. maybe in this season of my life, there aren't really any sharp rocks for me to dash myself onto, so I don't need the guiding light that they provide? Food for thought. but actually if I look hard enough, I'll always be able to spot the light, even from afar..

P/S: MissYouMs.Mel! Online is not a bad status. X)

do I try too hard to make you smile? to make us smile-

Having sent zix off on sunday, I'm now devoid of so many of those dear to me. I miss each and every one of them terribly, but I know that really, what I feel is nothing compared to what they are facing. Although it's true that I'm experiencing a tougher time in the army, I still have my family to go home to every weekend and sometimes (like now) for long periods of time. And although they've already made friends and more or less settled down (or at least tried their best to) in their own new environments, it's going to take a lot more time for them to feel totally comfortable and at ease. And that's not forgetting that even with the connection that online communication provides, nothing beats physical presence and accompaniment. I think it would be really hard for me to be apart from my family for such long periods of time. (they're mostly only going to come back in June next year!!)

I'd say we all have to learn to change and to adapt for nearly our entire lifespan. Just as I'm slowly settling into officer cadetship in echo wing, they're acclimatizing themselves to how their schools are run; how their roommates and the people they hang out with function; and the nearly-completely different cultures that these distant places possess. And being nineteen year old girls fresh out of junior college, they have to deal with the standard hormonal, relational, emotional issues that we've all been dealing with for our student life. All the more so that they're in a permanent institution a good four or five years, it's no surprise then that they'd start thinking about finding their future partners more so than those of us here who think that we've got more time to spare. Besides, they're probably coming back here anyway, so the time is ripe indeed. To that, all I can say is that I hope they manage to find someone who makes them happy and loves them unconditionally, more so with each passing day. There is nothing more important than the feeling of sheer happiness that you can get when you're with someone, and it's rare and precious to find somehing like that.

I've been quite the lucky boy all my life, other than in one niggling area that is really quite disheartening but irrelevant at this point in time so I shall not ruin my happy block leave by thinking about it (: and it may be just my inner leonidas speaking, but like how cheo puts it, this is a rite of passage, rich in memories and experiences. It will toughen us mentally, and we will steel ourselves physically. We learn a myriad of skills, quite a few of which we can translate into our lives in the future. And anybody who misses out on the rapid mental development and acceleration of one's maturity (when the time calls for it, of course. I'm still very much full of it most of the time ^^) is, really, deprived of that life-changing experience. That spark that ignites an evolution within them. The homogeneous issue that all (most) of us can relate to and talk about, way into our elder years.

There's only so much difference between a day job and JC life. Although I miss school so much such that the books might as well be comics and the teachers might as well all be megan fox, I'm glad that I'm not spending another two years of my life in an adult version of JC.

and let us cremate our sentimalities in the blaze;

to forever immortalize the glory of our youth-

Sorry for the lack of updates! It's been nothing but a whirlwind as of late, and sometimes it's really rare to find a moment to collect all of my thoughts to pen them down.

Perhaps, beginning with those events that have significantly impacted life as of late seems most apt. I'd have to say .. it's been really hard dealing with the departure of mel and rachel to that great city where How I Met Your Mother is filmed, New York. You can't really do anything when integral parts of your life are torn away and you have no choice but to let them go, you know? Although daily life might get you caught up in its tempo, but the ache of the loss will always be there, intensely amplified in those lonely moments when you reach for the phone meaning to call that someone, only to realize with a sad smile to yourself that the person's not going to be so easily there for you anymore. If I know myself, I'm pretty sure that even in february of next year, I'd still be reminiscing on how mel ame zix and I hung out in cathay cineleisure that first time after CT1 in J1, because it's just impossible to let go of these memories. Memories that fill my life with colour and meaning, which give me something to smile about. That, I guess, is how I shall cope with their absence - all those times that I shared with them. Studying with rachel in the basement of grand cathay - drinking milk tea, eating shihlin's happy box; she was my pillar of support and supplier of my insider information during one of the most trying periods of my life, a person I could pour our all my sorrows to and someone who'd tell me how stupid I was but still pray for the best for me even as I trudged down a path of folly. Making mel cry in the second or so week that I'd known her, and feeling terribly guilty about it; the everyday suans that earned me the title of bitch; the everyday conversations from the academic to the trivial gossip to the serious stuff; her incessant ungrounded insecurities that drove me perpetually insane - she was my coffee, my glamourizer, someone who I'd listen to without fail because it just made sense. It's impossible to sum up how much they meant, and mean, to me. But I believe in a future which still features them prominently in my life, if only because I choose to make it so.

Other than that, another major shaker in my life would be this action of mine of crossing over to OCS. I'd say ... it's both a dumb and a wise move, but all in all I feel I did the right thing. If everyone stays in, what's the point of staying out? I'd say this statement is particularly true, especially since all the womenfolk are in university anyway. It's not like I'm going to have ample company if I go and get myself a reduced PES status and an eight to fiver. Although life is indeed much tougher and the training much more rigorous, I believe the experience of the next six or so months will be useful for my personal development, and cause me to grow that much more though I have already learnt and matured much since I entered the service.

People say that the 2 years in army are a buffer period for boys to grow to men, that they are sheltered in another 'forced to be here' environment where they are taken care of pretty well and not thrown out into the real world to take some lessons from the school of hard knocks. I.e., girls and NS guys who have stay-out positions have to deal with real-life problems and mature faster. Nonsense. I'd give anything to start school right now, although all the girls are complaining about how tough university is and the insane schedules. Granted, it is a hectic life, but personally for me, it's something that I have a great deal of motivation to strive for, and besides, much of my schedule is determined by myself anyway. I take my own breaks. I organize my own work sessions. And although chionging in the vegetation and rigorous physical training and planning and everything that is the life of a majority of us NS boys now can indeed be classified 'stupid' and 'a waste of time' by myself at times, and those happily holding stayout positions, I'd feel that I'm really missing out on a great treasure trove of experiences if I were stuck in an office all day. Sure, I'm guilty myself of calling it 'living the dream', and 'what all NS boys want', but put me in that position and I'd be complaining just the same. I love to slack. Who doesn't like to slack? But sometimes you just have to pull up your socks and go out there and be a man. Well, whatever you call it, it's a rite of passage, and I'm glad I'm on the way to earning the right to call myself a man by the time I hit the good old 21.

I'm glad, though, that during my stint in NS here, I've got so many things to accompany me and keep me happy and to thank God about. Although it'd be great to have everyone that I hold close to my heart here together with me, I make do with what I have! In fact, I can think immediately of a great deal of things that make me happy. (:

x my family. I love my mom. 'Nuff said. I spend a much greater amount of time talking to my dad nowadays and it's been rather good. I have a brother who, contrary to what he previously believed and in stark contrast to his life before, is enjoying university life tremendously and being much less of a problem for my parents, and also someone to pal around with.

x my friends. just last saturday night, I had an awesome time (as usual) with kennedy and company, my bunch of overachiever 2H friends who are nearly all commissioning in december soon, leaving poor guonian and me to usher for them, other than stupid junliang who is on a grand total of 5 months MC. also, did I mention that ngiam is in my platoon, living and owning, in the bunk opposite mine? and oh, btw just for your info, i love it when you call, i love it when you call, i love it when you call, butchu never call at all (ok the last line is just not true hahah) teefy (: and calling you too. a busybee lalan, who is getting hammered close to death with her uni schedule, and is sick now (great). hm, there's a problem, I haven't met huige nicky and all for too long, we kind of need to celebrate benny's birthday. and taufiq's a jerk who's preoccupied with his girlfriend :P

x food.
1x mega mcspicy meal
1x turkish kebab
1x takopachi
1x honey chicken chop
2x pints haegen-dazs
2x pints andersen's of denmark
1x starbucks dark mocha venti frappucino
2x packets pepperidge farm soft baked dark chocolate brownie cookies

in one weekend. legen- wait for it... DARY.

x entertainment
I saved nicole for this segment, because firstly nicole the retard alone is great entertainment, secondly I koped her hard drive with 4 seasons of how i met your mother, 5 seasons of house, gossip girl, 20 seasons of the simpsons, about 30 movies including all the harry potter movies, star wars movies, LOTR movies, omg I have going to have an AWESOME block leave.
Also, having spent at least 500 bucks on all my warcraft novels, comics, and the entire fables comics series, I am eagerly anticipating the next volume of each. I love comics. Sue me.

I am not going to continue, if not I am going to get stoned by people jealous of how great my life is. At times. X)