these packs of lies; why the fuck do I always listen to them.
thank you I now know that you (not singular) don't really give two (or maybe even one) hoots about me.
and I know that, despite all the effort on my part, slowly I shall fade from your life due to the absolute negligence that you have for me.
but yet I lie awake and drive myself crazy thinking of you.
I hope that you won't miss the water when the well runs dry, but most probably the promised land of milk and honey shall provide new running water for you.
if you abhor my presence, please tell me directly, and don't agree for the sake of agreeing, or because of any feelings of indebtedness that might perchance exist.
I only wanted to be a shining beacon in your life.
I now know that you've always been tying layers and layers of blindfolds across those piercingly beautiful eyes, trying to shut the light out.

): :)

bye ame, be safe in australia, I will miss you ): take the utmost care.


While watching the movie, the pain that I watched emma portray on the screen was just so tangible to me that she almost seemed to be there, crying her heart out right in front of me.It's agony; having to be aware of, and witness the person that you love having only eyes for another. I should know, it's happened to me twice.

Nevermind, now to go listen to some Taylor Swift to soothe my soul.

I was trying to fly but I couldn't find wings,
but you came along, and you changed everything;

You lift my feet off the ground, you spin me around;
you make me crazier, crazier.
Feels like I'm fallin', and I, I'm lost in your eyes;
you make me crazier, crazier -

:'(

AHHHHHH. HEARTBREAKING. DON'T WORRY DARLING I WILL COME AND SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND I PROMISE.

hahaha ok but really this is something to look forwad to this weekend after nasty navigation exercise and f-ed up field camp. ): But I actually don't want this weekend to come too, because although there's class BBQ and HP6, ame's flying off for australia on saturday ): ): ):

Looks like reality is setting in and I have to start finding ways to soften the blow 'cos the others are going to happen in quick succession as well.

DAMN YOUUUUU NATIONAL SERVICE FOR TAKING AWAY WHAT LITTLE REMAINING TIME I HAVE LEFT WITH THEM.

If I were a violinist my bow would be a foil;

They want me. I want you. And you want someone else. But none of us want to turn around. -pleasefindthis.blogspot

And it just follows this vicious cycle from day to day, month to month, year to year throughout our lives, because we can't see past ourselves to bother about others.

The grass is always greener on the other side, but when we can't graze on that greener grass, we try our darndest to make the yellowed, dry grass on our side appear better in order to delude ourselves. That's how we make do, when we try to accept things that we cannot change.

"courage to accept the things I cannot change, strength to change those I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" I'm powerless to prevent the array of different-coloured lightbulbs in my life from winking out one by one by one in quick succession, and hence must learn to accept this. But it really takes a whole lot of courage, to suddenly feel like you're left in the dark after being surrounded by these bright lights for two odd years.

"and if the bright lights don't receive you, you should turn yourself around and come on home" I spend five days a week randomly zoning off into my own world, thinking of such things and putting them into perspective. A lot of leeway for self and general reflection, and it really helps in setting a direction for my life and immediate plans as well. It's times like these that one can receive an epiphany or two or maybe realize something, something that was indiscernible before but as we mature with age, we're able to spot certain telltale signs that we missed out before about how others feel about us.

Sometimes life is ironic in the way that it makes us beat ourselves up putting in the effort in following a pursuit but the pursuit in question has no qualms beating us up as well.

so the first week of BSLC (basicsectionleadercourse) has passed (i.e. first step to become sergeant lah) has passed, and it's been pretty good so far. Seeing as there will be frequent searches on ze Internet about such army stuff, I better stop talking about it now :0

It's good to make good buddies in camp though. I think I would probably go insane if not for the fact that I talk to my buddies all the time about serious stuff and lighthearted stuff; and make a thousand and one stupid jokes and creating insanely moronic scenarios and the like. We've come to the conclusion that we are big pussies; we want the best, most relack scenario and yet want to lead and draw high pay at the same time. And compared to our fathers' time, what we're going through now is really nothing. But yet we complain all the time and go like 'Aw man, damn, do I really have to do that???' Really damn different generation sia, I don't know what's happened to singaporean men as the years go by. I think 10 years from now, the boys in BMT will be complaining about a lack of a cotton candy and slurpee machine in the cookhouse.

Then again, thinking about it, the training phase of NS is probably going to fly by pretty quickly if BMT and BSLC is anything to go by. Although there are many many times in camp where we just feel damn super sian and just sit there thinking, 'Why the hell are we here?', time actually passes by quite quickly because you just look forward to each weekend and each weekend just passes by in a blink of an eye and the cycle just repeats itself. But after settling down in our vocation, every day's probably going to be nearly the same monotonous thing. It all depends on your luck though. Oh well.. A little less than two years and YESSSS it'll be time to study again.

And oh yes, HAHA 2 THE OCTS STILL IN CAMP. :D

H-H-H-HOHLIDAY

mmm in pattaya now. Pattaya is really the uber wrong place to go with your family. Dammit, when my dad suggested this chillin' place to go to during block leave, I was still under the senses-dulling that army puts you under where everything other than army sounded appealing so I readily agreed. Turns out the beach that I envisioned (i.e. lots of space, windy, white, with acceptably clear waters) was actually a beach nearly totally filled with beach chairs which you rent for a day for about 50 baht. And hence there is hardly any space left on the beach, so you just go directly into the waters (which, unlike batam waters, have boats, trawlers, and jetskis all over), and all this is just unappealing in general ): I should have asked Yelin about it seeing as he just told me he realized that last year when he came here too haha.

Oh well at least the food is good. At least managed to chow down on some Thai food today like phadthai, green curry and tomyamgoong. The green curry here is better than ThaiExpress' in the sense that it's lighter. TE's one is super concentrated which admittedly gives it a kick, but I think the one here is better (okay, dumb conclusion since this is freaking Thailand hahaha). And there's this really awesome italian restaurant next to my hotel which has authentic thin-crust pizzas for about 9 bucks each. And they are AWESOME. You can actually eat a whole pizza and be nicely full but not bloated, but just try repeating the same feat with a Canadian or Pizzahut one haha, you'll die.

Talking about food, this block leave has seriously made me fatter. Which is why I am definitely going to jog along the beach and hit the gym tomorrow (yay for 4-star hotels) since by no means must I allow myself to degenerate into unfitness (yay I coined a new word). I can only blame myself. Ice cream nearly daily (Haegen-Dazs, Udders, Mac milkshakes, I love you) and eating anything that takes my fancy is definitely not a diet that should be followed. Oh well. At least I can do so without feeling guilty because in a few days' time I'll be eating cookhouse food again sighhh.

I really hate the inflexibility that comes with being in the army. You really cannot decide your own schedule, and even on weekends certain timings clash with the stupid time that you have to book in. It seriously pisses me off. It doesn't make sense that just because you have to serve your country, you have to sacrifice things that matter a whole lot to you. In actuality, they should be the ones accomodating you if you have valid appointments seeing as you are doing the nation a service. But whatever, I'm pretty sure there has been enough bitching about this already, not like one more disgruntled boy eh no sorry man complaining about it will make any difference.

I guess I'll just have to resign myself with sulking in camp and having like this perpetual cloud of displeasure and general unhappiness because you know, I am going to be rather alone in a few months' time. It is okay. I will scrimp and save on my leave and then I shall go and spring many many surprise visits. That shall make me a happier boy eh no sorry man. (:

Call Your Folks;

Hi everyone. Welcome to Quixotic, which is a blog as well as an attempt of mine to break away from the old insanely cryptic and emo posting style which I have all too readily embraced and hence adopted for the past 2 years. I have to admit, sometimes I even bore myself with them. But what to do, when you really don't feel like saying much other than spitting verbal blood onto the screen because of how you're feeling, you can't really write about anything else. (:

Then again, the title I chose for this blog seems nearly to be straying dangerously close towards that which I am trying to break away from. T_T. DAMN YOU, NIGEL, DAMN YOU AND YOUR FICKLE NATURE. Oh whatever. I like it, so it stays.

So anyway, yes I've recently popped (had my passing out parade for those girls who still have no clue what any army term means) and am in the midst (or should I say enjoying the last days of :< ) my block leave which has been all too wonderful. I'm really quite surprised at myself, because army has changed some things about me that I never thought needed changing before.

Shamefully, I must admit that I didn't really mind neglecting my family before I enlisted. It must have been an unconsciously cultured habit, stemming from the A level studying days when I would spend entire weeks just going to school every day to study in the morning, and reach home at night where I would promptly go online and forget about my parents. This kinda continued after the As, where lucky old me spent my four or so months of holiday before the fateful April 13th happened either going out or cooped up in my room. Family time equated to the planned family trips, which I already viewed as humongous great big sacrifices on my part.

But it's been a complete 180 degree turn since army, 'cos I inevitably find myself voluntarily wanting to spend time with my family whenever I bookout and during leave days such as this. I even agree to take walks with my dad after dinner now, and actually am not bored out of mind during them, nor do have any problems with my mom asking me to do any housework. The amount of family dinners I've had since enlisting is probably equal to the amount I had in the 2nd half of 2008. And I treat my mom like a thousand-carat diamond. You would, too, if your mom washed 5 sets of uniform, your army vest, your haversack, and stacked all these items neatly in your room when you were out enjoying a day with friends. The final straw that managed to end the two year long drought within my eyes was my mom remembering to buy facial wash for me after hearing me mention it while grocery shopping. That was quite a day to remember, and okay yes I am a girl. (:

It's a good thing, to have this support and bond with your loved ones, and I really am glad that army made me realize the error of my ways. Of course, this is not to say that I enjoy army. That would be a very refined, pure, concentrated type of insanity.

Then again, it is possible for people like Taufiq to enjoy army... (: (: (: