Merry Post-Christmas! (:

Despite missing Avatar on Christmas Eve, (because of the limited cinemas with good seats which forced jev to book a 210 show, and thanks to the last minute Leadership Development lesson with Major Psalm (what an interesting name, seriously) resulting in a 3pm bookout) it still turned out to be an awesome day because of the angel@theairport (: (: (: despite meeting for only about 45 minutes! After which a traditional church service at ken's church (which proved to be reaaallllyyy similar to a christmas at city harvest) whetted our appetites for supper at Bedok 85. 2nd time eating the best bachormee in the world, woot. At kennedy's, we waited for elton to turn up and he did, wearing a Silver Surfer tee to match my Iron Man one. Both happened to be his favourite childhood comicbook heroes, and he was very interested in doing chest bumps with me so that both characters could bump each other. We valiantly tried to stay awake when elton brought the animated Iron Man movie for us to watch, but even the chocolates that he brought could not save the Z Monster from overpowering me. My genius idea to turn on the aircon upon entering the house turned around and bit me in the ass at night, 'cos I nearly froze, and ended up squeezing into ken's sofa covers to use them as a blankie.

And seeing (most) of the same faces this blessed Christmas day when ken actually wanted to buy Christmas gifts but I ended up being the one buying gifts, and then winding up all the way at a pasar malam at Yishun and Starbucks Northpoint talking the time away, makes me feel that a friendship like the one you see in HIMYM can just be that real. It's the magic of Christmas to make one draw comparisons like that, and also perhaps a Peppermint Mocha Frappe in one's tummy as well (:

A problem I've found with us human beings, (maybe it's just me) is how we tend to overthink things, or misinterpret certain 'signs' that are actually not signs at all. I think my life would be much better if sometimes I just was not so god damned sensitive. Perhaps then I would not feel that prone to being thrown into the gutter despite what I think I share with you. And you and you and you and you and you. But despite all this, I still think nothing but the world of you; there's something wrong with my thought-processing organ and the muscle that runs my cardiovascular activities.

Sometimes perfection, can be perfect hell.

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised, bruised

YESTERDAY was THE DAY! That my bunch of other brothers, from the Jan batch, finally commissioned after their 9 months of hard training to turn from dogs to gods and being maggots no longer. It was worth going the through the mind-numbing, leg-numbing rehearsals as an usher on Thursday and Friday and then one more time during the actual parade, just to be there to share that moment with them as they flung their peak caps into the air in unison with joy. Although it was not my day (3 months more to go!!!), I felt just as happy as them when I heard the roar and watched as the caps flew into the air all at one go.

And what could be more fitting as icing on the cake than Kennedy getting the sword of honour? Despite being so proud of him since two weeks ago when I heard the news, it was a different feeling altogether to hear his name being read out by the emcee and to watch him thrusting the sword to his chest after receiving it from DPM Teo. Awesome stuff for real, and also to be standing at the back watching our friends, his supporters, scream his name when he was marching past, during the presentation of swords, and during the slow march up - it was worth crossing over purely for this.

But like I was telling Ngiam, it's really funny to look at one of their ranks, the black bar, and then look up and see their familiar face smiling at you. And you know you're required to call them 'Sir' but they won't really accept that from a friend, and all the saluting and everything is just for fun. It's just different from being introduced to another 2LT as your PC or your instructor because you've known these guys for so many years. Just like how when Chinks, Ian and Joseph were in our bunk today, Ngiam and I kept asking them to punish our platoon randomly and Ngiam asked one of our platoon mates who didn't salute them to do so, and Chinks was so embarrassed he tried to close and lock our door. Hilarious.

Feels really great to end (sort of) the year on this high note, and especially since it helps to keep us in contact with each other; also not forgetting that those guys who've always been busy over the weekends can have more time for gatherings now. I smell a 4A reunion in the works. But that will have to wait till I get back from Taiwan, and I think Yelin gets back from wherever he went to after Myanmar.

I think after all this time, and everything that has happened, I've learnt the absolute importance of letting go. Sometimes you just hurt yourself even worse when you clutch onto a moment that's fleeting; sometimes you just need to amputate and then cauterize the wound rather than continue letting that torn limb hang limply by your side.

That still does not mean that it's any easier, though.

I don't even need words.

It's certainly been a most interesting weekend! I think one of the more interesting things that happened to me was when I just happened to think to myself, "Man, it's been really long since I last saw Fiona Xie on a magazine cover. I wonder if she's really gone for good from local showbiz." Not more than half an hour later, I went to the nearest newsstand and whom should I see on the cover of both I-Weekly and 8 Days? Yeah you guessed right. Obviously I started reading 8 days straightaway to find out more about what's happening to her. Yes I am unashamedly a fan of hers. I am a guy. Sue me, bitches. (:

Weekends are a precious commodity when you're in the army. Even when you pass out as a commander, or so I've heard from some of my friends, even those posted to BMTC where they're supposed kings, but not any longer because of the changes in the structure of how things are run. Doesn't sound very good, but probably still better than being elsewhere though. Therefore, true to my rules of engagement for the weekends, I spent valuable family time watching The Storm Warriors (i.e. Feng1 Yun2 Er4!!!) with my parents. I still remember how 11 (ELEVEN!!11!11one11!!!1) years ago I, as an 8 year old boy, watched with wide-eyed wonder as Aaron Kwok as Yun2's blood trickled down his arm into the ground which caused his ebon blade to fly out from the Grave of Swords into his grasp, and together, the combined might of Wind and Cloud left no chance for the Lord Conqueror to counterattack. And hence it was with great enthusiasm that I stepped into the cinema - but it was with a heavy heart that I stepped out. Yeah I loved the swordplay and the familiar characters and all but ARGH no closure. That's all I shall say to avoid spoilers.

Talking about rules of engagement, I caught Zombieland this weekend as well. It was a real good time as there was much humour in the show despite it being a zombie gore flick. Having the words Rule No. 1 - Cardio flash in large bold white letters going ding ding ding in the middle of a carpark as the protagonist led two rabid zombies round and round in circles was priceless. Looks like all my running could be put to good use someday, touch wood =D The day was zombiefied as I proceeded to try out L4D2 (Left4Dead2 for the uninitiated) for the first time, and I've come to the conclusion that melee weapons are the sex for taking out the common Horde zombies, whereas you really do still need the good ol' lead pumpin' to take out the special Infected. The whole zombie thing made me wonder if we're not too much desensitized to this whole gore thing, and also made me wonder about the whole fascination with zombies thing. 28 Days Later, Shaun Of The Dead, I Am Legend, Quarantine, Zombieland, these are just like a small drop in the huge pool of zombie flicks that are currently out there. And it's not like each film shares a small piece of the pie - they're all HUGELY successful! Watching a zombie rip out a hapless human victim's throat still disgusts me, but I no longer cringe in utter trepidation when I watch it - I really think I've become numbed because of the sheer amount of zombie themed media we have today. I think when I've got free time I'll see whether anyone's written any article or done any research into why we like this genre so much haha.

Alright it's time to SUIT UP! (penguin suit ]=) once again and take a friendly cab down to Jurong. Dammit looking at hiok's fb status 'penguin one last time' makes me feel so super jealous but YES, my friends have earned their status as officers. It'll be my turn soon in a few months, God willing. And yes Kennedy is THAT good to be the holder of the Sword of Honour from the Singapore Combat Engineers. Haha sounds like he found some epic weapon from WoW.

I remember myself saying, "Even if I don't pass the course, this Brunei trip would have been a real eye-opener and a valuable experience for me." I still stand by this statement. Although army sucks and all, and I am ravaged by mosquito bites/sandfly bites and the subsequent scars from my sensitive-skin-scratching, I walked away from the trip a different person, and it really did effect some change in me.

Like my dad said before I went off to do the 9-day jungle course, "Time to grow up and be a man eh son?" Though he was joking of course, the experience really did make me mature more personally. One such experience was killing the quail. Though I'm not the sappy kind to really think much about it, I was inevitably struck with some hesitation before killing it, but I thought to myself hey, I've got no problem eating those countless chicken wings, KFC, burgers, etc. Why should I have double standards and be appalled at personally killing an animal when throughout my life, I've already indirectly killed so many? So without further any ado I twisted its neck and pulled its head off. Was really quite an intense brush with reality. Especially since I killed two throughout the entire trip, lol.

I still remember during my innocent brownnosed days in BMT, I was talking to hiok about him being in OCS and him perhaps needing to go for JCC. I'd heard about the 9 days with only 2 days of rations. I'd heard about the being alone in the jungle. And I'd been extremely skeptical that it could be done. Hiok was like yeah man but its okay, they give you some signal flares so if you're gonna die you just shoot it in the air. And it's ironic that I eventually ended up doing exactly what I thought others were in for. It was also really about breaking past your own physical and mental boundaries. Like elt told me before the trip when I asked him, 'What about those with smaller builds and unable to carry heavy loads? How do they pull through it?' Vicepres-boy then tapped his head and said "That's why it's all about what's in here."

It's really true, because when you've been climbing slopes and hills and two mountains and walking kilometer after kilometer for 8 days, and the synapses in your legs tell you that your legs are useless and cannot be pulled up to negotiate a slope any longer, it is your mind that cancels these transmissions and forces yourself to move. Mental resolve is definitely not something to be trivialised. It really does count for a hell of a lot.

And so does motivation, as usual. It helps alot when you've got mental images of a Carl's Jr. Portobello Mushroom Double Thickburger in your mind. But sometimes the same image can make you damn hungry and demoralized hahahahaha. Also just thinking about your family, your lovely friends and what kind of inane things you're going to do when it's all over, just keeps pushing you on to complete it well and complete it good.

But at the end of the day, you don't fight for your country: you fight for your buddy next to you, you fight for your loved ones whereever they are, you fight for your friends poring over their books in hostels over the country and across the oceans, and you fight for yourself to make a point that you are more than what you think you are. And in the process of self-discovery, you hope that you split open to reveal a beacon of light that displays the intensity of your metamorphosis to others, so that even they think twice about what you are and what you could be.

Damn, I eat monstrous burgers [Mega McSpicy, Portobello Mushroom Thickburger, and now the latest XXL Mushroom Swiss NAIS] every time I book out. This is not good for my plan to be able to guest star proudly on Polo Boys in due time to come :P but whatevs, like Elton says, 'Eat all you want! Enjoy life!' YES, I AGREE. Then again, elts the veteran has been to both brunei and taiwan and back, while I'm jetting off in two weeks' time to my first trip, so I should sort of be more focused on maintaining myself. Oh whatthehell, I'm going to be put through some starvation this week anyway so might as well (:

So that's food, check. iPod repaired 2 weeks ago plus $180 speaker - music, check. Alot of campmates request chinese songs when I blast my music during rifle maintenance, but I can only produce a small collection of jay chou. But ironically I'm addicted to a chinese song now hahaha music = life. Relatedly, thankyou mel for safetysuit (: finally, NDS repaired - entertainment, check. Although my stupid emulation device is spoilt and that would be another few weeks repairing it so I can play games, I bought Guitar Hero :D :D :D it's damn cute fiddling and strumming madly but looks really dumb in public so I'm gonna have fun with it in camp.

Take care, all.

Wow, it's been quite an awful long time (19 days) since I last posted here, probably due to a combination of factors such as being lazy during block leave and also my stupid computer going down YET AGAIN, and I am absolutely not reconciled with the idea of posting on my mom's uber-irresponsive one haha.

So yes it's kinda ironic that I'm posting from my computer in my bunk in camp -_-, but us humans are like that you know, we only appreciate what we have and only feel certain kinds of motivation when we are denied certain things - like how I get all contemplatative, reflective, and all writer's-finger-itchy when I'm stoning the minutes away in here. But doing that keeps me sane. Well, that, and the copious amounts of suaning, bickering, ribbing etc. (peppered with many, many choice swear words).

A few awesome updates on my life: firstly, after 6 months in the stupid organization of green fools, I have finally managed to get gold for IPPT. it's really quite a big achievement and a relief for me, being someone who only touched the bar seriously in RJ so as to avoid another 2 extra months of NS, and right before enlisting could only muster a measly 5 chinups at best. Although I put in all the effort training with the sole reason to avoid remedial trainings, I note with a certain level of amusement that I haven't done a single remedial training at all. (BMT - only RT sessions were for people who failed two stations and back then I only failed one, SISPEC - managed to train up to 8 chinups for the IPPT in the 3rd week) And now, I never ever will have to. An added perk is being able to proudly wear that stupid gold-threaded badge with the idiotic running man (who runs like that?!). O and did I mention the additional 100 bucks I get? More Haegen-Dazs for me (: Yes I know that is directly in contrast to being physically fit. But I don't give a shit. Hey, that rhymes! :D Now all I have to do is clear the stupid standard obstacle course under 9:30 this week and that leaves no worries for me anymore, other than of course the horrendous brunei trip that's in less than a month's time. Relatedly, I hope elton's not foaming too badly in taiwan and taking care of himself there. Hiok too.


In other news, we're well into pro term with this being the 3rd week, and these nice low-key admin weeks with the lectures and stuff are going to come to an end soon with really short bookouts as they prepare us for JCC. Life is going to suck until early December pretty much. I guess I just have to tahan this crap for about a month and a half because what I get in the end is worth it (I think). And it's always great when your bed buddy is 1) from RJ 2) your personal friend from RI & RJ 3) a humongous gigantic music-lover 4) an appointment holder at the same time as you so the two of you work double-quick time to sort out any shit, as well as the messy, smelly bunk. (:

Although I've been able to meet up with my friends rather often all these weekends, I still feel the constant pangs of misery of missing my dear overseas friends, and also those friends that I am hardly able to meet up with, or have all but lost contact with. I remember that I am supposed to be lifelong friends with a few people but life has inevitably stolen us away from each other. I think I should do something about that.

But it always puts a smile on my face to be able to meet up with my longsuffering friends of 7 years, 5 years, and even 2 (teef I have opened 2 windows, your document and this at the same time <: <: <: ) years so often and spend long hours doing meaningless and yet meaningful things.

'I realized, that Tom was right about everything!'
'You were only wrong about me.'

I've got this feeling, that I'm definitely not wrong about any one of you (:

I thought that the world had lost its way
(it's so hard sometimes)
then I fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away;

as friends, we have to make tough decisions sometimes. It's hard, really, to just keep quiet and let your friends make the mistakes that they do - because you don't want to see them get hurt. This is amplified a thousand times when you see your friends chasing a dream that's just out of their reach, and although it pains you when you listen to them describe their efforts, pour out their doubts and fears, culminating in the sound of their hearts shattering.

but falling in love is a good thing. I've always believed so and although it's not like I'm an accomplished wild-game hunter with many kills represented by notches on my belt, I've always come out for the better. Because being in love, having that someone that you fall in love with - that someone's not only the light of your life, that someone's the lighthouse in your life. They give off a beacon that dictates what choices you make, what changes you go through, how you live your life. And more often than not, you live your life for the better. While not for any noble purpose, but rather the seemingly trivial purpose of bettering yourself such that you put yourself in a better light to that person, the impact of it is not taken away - you will indefinitely see positive changes in yourself.

and that's not exactly restricted to romantic love, actually. Platonic love is perfectly capable of stimulating similar changes within us, although on a somewhat diminished scale, because unless you, I don't know, escaped from a concentration camp and various unmentionable tortures with this friend of yours, it normally doesn't seem as right to make as great sacrifices in the name of the friendship that you share. But it works, it still works. When you feel so close to a person that you're willing to go through hell and high water in order to keep that closeness intact. I believe many of us have felt this before. I feel it all the time. Sometimes I'm pretty idealistic - to the point of foolishness, perhaps? I don't really care.

all I know is, I kind of, sorta, really miss that illuminating glow that lighthouses cast. maybe in this season of my life, there aren't really any sharp rocks for me to dash myself onto, so I don't need the guiding light that they provide? Food for thought. but actually if I look hard enough, I'll always be able to spot the light, even from afar..

P/S: MissYouMs.Mel! Online is not a bad status. X)

do I try too hard to make you smile? to make us smile-

Having sent zix off on sunday, I'm now devoid of so many of those dear to me. I miss each and every one of them terribly, but I know that really, what I feel is nothing compared to what they are facing. Although it's true that I'm experiencing a tougher time in the army, I still have my family to go home to every weekend and sometimes (like now) for long periods of time. And although they've already made friends and more or less settled down (or at least tried their best to) in their own new environments, it's going to take a lot more time for them to feel totally comfortable and at ease. And that's not forgetting that even with the connection that online communication provides, nothing beats physical presence and accompaniment. I think it would be really hard for me to be apart from my family for such long periods of time. (they're mostly only going to come back in June next year!!)

I'd say we all have to learn to change and to adapt for nearly our entire lifespan. Just as I'm slowly settling into officer cadetship in echo wing, they're acclimatizing themselves to how their schools are run; how their roommates and the people they hang out with function; and the nearly-completely different cultures that these distant places possess. And being nineteen year old girls fresh out of junior college, they have to deal with the standard hormonal, relational, emotional issues that we've all been dealing with for our student life. All the more so that they're in a permanent institution a good four or five years, it's no surprise then that they'd start thinking about finding their future partners more so than those of us here who think that we've got more time to spare. Besides, they're probably coming back here anyway, so the time is ripe indeed. To that, all I can say is that I hope they manage to find someone who makes them happy and loves them unconditionally, more so with each passing day. There is nothing more important than the feeling of sheer happiness that you can get when you're with someone, and it's rare and precious to find somehing like that.

I've been quite the lucky boy all my life, other than in one niggling area that is really quite disheartening but irrelevant at this point in time so I shall not ruin my happy block leave by thinking about it (: and it may be just my inner leonidas speaking, but like how cheo puts it, this is a rite of passage, rich in memories and experiences. It will toughen us mentally, and we will steel ourselves physically. We learn a myriad of skills, quite a few of which we can translate into our lives in the future. And anybody who misses out on the rapid mental development and acceleration of one's maturity (when the time calls for it, of course. I'm still very much full of it most of the time ^^) is, really, deprived of that life-changing experience. That spark that ignites an evolution within them. The homogeneous issue that all (most) of us can relate to and talk about, way into our elder years.

There's only so much difference between a day job and JC life. Although I miss school so much such that the books might as well be comics and the teachers might as well all be megan fox, I'm glad that I'm not spending another two years of my life in an adult version of JC.

and let us cremate our sentimalities in the blaze;

to forever immortalize the glory of our youth-

Sorry for the lack of updates! It's been nothing but a whirlwind as of late, and sometimes it's really rare to find a moment to collect all of my thoughts to pen them down.

Perhaps, beginning with those events that have significantly impacted life as of late seems most apt. I'd have to say .. it's been really hard dealing with the departure of mel and rachel to that great city where How I Met Your Mother is filmed, New York. You can't really do anything when integral parts of your life are torn away and you have no choice but to let them go, you know? Although daily life might get you caught up in its tempo, but the ache of the loss will always be there, intensely amplified in those lonely moments when you reach for the phone meaning to call that someone, only to realize with a sad smile to yourself that the person's not going to be so easily there for you anymore. If I know myself, I'm pretty sure that even in february of next year, I'd still be reminiscing on how mel ame zix and I hung out in cathay cineleisure that first time after CT1 in J1, because it's just impossible to let go of these memories. Memories that fill my life with colour and meaning, which give me something to smile about. That, I guess, is how I shall cope with their absence - all those times that I shared with them. Studying with rachel in the basement of grand cathay - drinking milk tea, eating shihlin's happy box; she was my pillar of support and supplier of my insider information during one of the most trying periods of my life, a person I could pour our all my sorrows to and someone who'd tell me how stupid I was but still pray for the best for me even as I trudged down a path of folly. Making mel cry in the second or so week that I'd known her, and feeling terribly guilty about it; the everyday suans that earned me the title of bitch; the everyday conversations from the academic to the trivial gossip to the serious stuff; her incessant ungrounded insecurities that drove me perpetually insane - she was my coffee, my glamourizer, someone who I'd listen to without fail because it just made sense. It's impossible to sum up how much they meant, and mean, to me. But I believe in a future which still features them prominently in my life, if only because I choose to make it so.

Other than that, another major shaker in my life would be this action of mine of crossing over to OCS. I'd say ... it's both a dumb and a wise move, but all in all I feel I did the right thing. If everyone stays in, what's the point of staying out? I'd say this statement is particularly true, especially since all the womenfolk are in university anyway. It's not like I'm going to have ample company if I go and get myself a reduced PES status and an eight to fiver. Although life is indeed much tougher and the training much more rigorous, I believe the experience of the next six or so months will be useful for my personal development, and cause me to grow that much more though I have already learnt and matured much since I entered the service.

People say that the 2 years in army are a buffer period for boys to grow to men, that they are sheltered in another 'forced to be here' environment where they are taken care of pretty well and not thrown out into the real world to take some lessons from the school of hard knocks. I.e., girls and NS guys who have stay-out positions have to deal with real-life problems and mature faster. Nonsense. I'd give anything to start school right now, although all the girls are complaining about how tough university is and the insane schedules. Granted, it is a hectic life, but personally for me, it's something that I have a great deal of motivation to strive for, and besides, much of my schedule is determined by myself anyway. I take my own breaks. I organize my own work sessions. And although chionging in the vegetation and rigorous physical training and planning and everything that is the life of a majority of us NS boys now can indeed be classified 'stupid' and 'a waste of time' by myself at times, and those happily holding stayout positions, I'd feel that I'm really missing out on a great treasure trove of experiences if I were stuck in an office all day. Sure, I'm guilty myself of calling it 'living the dream', and 'what all NS boys want', but put me in that position and I'd be complaining just the same. I love to slack. Who doesn't like to slack? But sometimes you just have to pull up your socks and go out there and be a man. Well, whatever you call it, it's a rite of passage, and I'm glad I'm on the way to earning the right to call myself a man by the time I hit the good old 21.

I'm glad, though, that during my stint in NS here, I've got so many things to accompany me and keep me happy and to thank God about. Although it'd be great to have everyone that I hold close to my heart here together with me, I make do with what I have! In fact, I can think immediately of a great deal of things that make me happy. (:

x my family. I love my mom. 'Nuff said. I spend a much greater amount of time talking to my dad nowadays and it's been rather good. I have a brother who, contrary to what he previously believed and in stark contrast to his life before, is enjoying university life tremendously and being much less of a problem for my parents, and also someone to pal around with.

x my friends. just last saturday night, I had an awesome time (as usual) with kennedy and company, my bunch of overachiever 2H friends who are nearly all commissioning in december soon, leaving poor guonian and me to usher for them, other than stupid junliang who is on a grand total of 5 months MC. also, did I mention that ngiam is in my platoon, living and owning, in the bunk opposite mine? and oh, btw just for your info, i love it when you call, i love it when you call, i love it when you call, butchu never call at all (ok the last line is just not true hahah) teefy (: and calling you too. a busybee lalan, who is getting hammered close to death with her uni schedule, and is sick now (great). hm, there's a problem, I haven't met huige nicky and all for too long, we kind of need to celebrate benny's birthday. and taufiq's a jerk who's preoccupied with his girlfriend :P

x food.
1x mega mcspicy meal
1x turkish kebab
1x takopachi
1x honey chicken chop
2x pints haegen-dazs
2x pints andersen's of denmark
1x starbucks dark mocha venti frappucino
2x packets pepperidge farm soft baked dark chocolate brownie cookies

in one weekend. legen- wait for it... DARY.

x entertainment
I saved nicole for this segment, because firstly nicole the retard alone is great entertainment, secondly I koped her hard drive with 4 seasons of how i met your mother, 5 seasons of house, gossip girl, 20 seasons of the simpsons, about 30 movies including all the harry potter movies, star wars movies, LOTR movies, omg I have going to have an AWESOME block leave.
Also, having spent at least 500 bucks on all my warcraft novels, comics, and the entire fables comics series, I am eagerly anticipating the next volume of each. I love comics. Sue me.

I am not going to continue, if not I am going to get stoned by people jealous of how great my life is. At times. X)

and I'll flee,

because reality's much too hard for me to bear;

you can never say never, while we don't know when;

don't let me go

Can't live with them, can't live without them;

I don't know when it started, but I realize that for a good amount of years of my life, I've been trying and failing to understand the mystery of the female homo sapiens.

What are females to us men? Rather than merely objectifying them as trophy wives or sex objects, I think they are the salt to our pepper, the Yin to our Yang, the ... well you get it. They are the cool breeze that blows to calm the raging tempest in our souls, the ones that we can really lie down, gaze up at the stars and talk for hours with about nothing at all. Us guys, we like to initiate HTHTs (for the uninitiated, that means heart-to-heart-talks see also MTMT: man-to-man-talk) but really, we normally tend to open up and bare our souls more often to females (or maybe that's just me.)

Females have a way of tugging at emotional cords entrenched deep within us. It's the truth. The two times that I've cried so far in the army, were both because of females. The first was because I was so extremely touched by my mum's efforts in taking care of me and the fact that I realized that I was taking her for granted, that I bawled like a child on a taxi to White Sands during BMT. The second, was because the overwhelming sense of sadness due to the realization that one of my close friends had really left and the raw, almost bestial desperation at knowing that other ones I hold dear to my heart would soon follow hit me like a sledgehammer to the head and I just started tearing in my bunk in Pasir Laba.

It's much easier to do something for a female friend than for a close buddy. With us guys, most things are common understandings, and we don't go out of our way to do something special most of the time, because firstly that's gay and secondly being from RI, we've got so many bro-mances to keep up with that to do such things for all of them would not only burn a hole in our wallets and leave dark circles around our eyes, it would also incinerate the ashes from the hole burnt out of the wallets and cause the dark circles to become black holes that sucked our eyeballs in. But with females, it pleases us to see the smile lighting up their porcelain features and their eyes sparkling with happiness when they know that you've done something meaningful for them.

But females drive us completely, utterly, irrevocably out of our minds. They drive us crazy. They drive us up the wall. They are creatures that have honed their skills to a fine edge, with exceedingly well-crafted expertise. They know what strings of ours to pull, and are adept at giving us certain bits of information while withholding the essential stuff. We are almost always at a loss as to how to approach them. We can't fathom for nuts what they are thinking, and often misinterpret their words and actions to be signs or hints or anything along those lines, and we act and think accordingly but most of the time turn out to be 99.9% wrong. Girls are like ninjas and we are the samurai. They are masters of stealth, disguise, sleuth, and sometimes deceit and deception, while we are strong, brash, loud, barrel-chested, concentrating on brute force, while sometimes boorish and inconsiderate.

I remember reading a Marvel book one day and Wolverine, with a cigar in his mouth, took a puff and blew out the smoke while looking at some other costumed chick striding away angrily (I guess good ol' wolvie had done her some injustice), and he shook his head and said 'Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.' Wise words. But not everyone's like Hugh Jackman (the only guy I would turn gay for other than Brandon Flowers)'s titular character, with the savoir-faire to score with any woman they wanted, and only strip down their tough exterior to share true love with the one that they chose (who of course was attracted to him first due to aforementioned savoir-faire in the first place).

Females, rather than being pirated playstation games, are the real deal that you find in arcades: with them, there is no such thing as unlimited lives. You get one, maybe a few chances (did I mention that these arcades are out of tokens for you to exchange?) and that's it; you're done. They don't really care, you know. Because ultimately, females are simply humans like us as well. They want what's best for themselves. They live their lives with the basic human instinct of survival. And so, if you don't fit into the plan that they, with their incorrigibly meticulous and cautionary attitude, have carved out for their lives, well then that's just too bad.

It is the worst imaginable fortune to become beguiled with a terrible beauty.

Pray that it never happens to you.

these packs of lies; why the fuck do I always listen to them.
thank you I now know that you (not singular) don't really give two (or maybe even one) hoots about me.
and I know that, despite all the effort on my part, slowly I shall fade from your life due to the absolute negligence that you have for me.
but yet I lie awake and drive myself crazy thinking of you.
I hope that you won't miss the water when the well runs dry, but most probably the promised land of milk and honey shall provide new running water for you.
if you abhor my presence, please tell me directly, and don't agree for the sake of agreeing, or because of any feelings of indebtedness that might perchance exist.
I only wanted to be a shining beacon in your life.
I now know that you've always been tying layers and layers of blindfolds across those piercingly beautiful eyes, trying to shut the light out.

): :)

bye ame, be safe in australia, I will miss you ): take the utmost care.


While watching the movie, the pain that I watched emma portray on the screen was just so tangible to me that she almost seemed to be there, crying her heart out right in front of me.It's agony; having to be aware of, and witness the person that you love having only eyes for another. I should know, it's happened to me twice.

Nevermind, now to go listen to some Taylor Swift to soothe my soul.

I was trying to fly but I couldn't find wings,
but you came along, and you changed everything;

You lift my feet off the ground, you spin me around;
you make me crazier, crazier.
Feels like I'm fallin', and I, I'm lost in your eyes;
you make me crazier, crazier -

:'(

AHHHHHH. HEARTBREAKING. DON'T WORRY DARLING I WILL COME AND SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND I PROMISE.

hahaha ok but really this is something to look forwad to this weekend after nasty navigation exercise and f-ed up field camp. ): But I actually don't want this weekend to come too, because although there's class BBQ and HP6, ame's flying off for australia on saturday ): ): ):

Looks like reality is setting in and I have to start finding ways to soften the blow 'cos the others are going to happen in quick succession as well.

DAMN YOUUUUU NATIONAL SERVICE FOR TAKING AWAY WHAT LITTLE REMAINING TIME I HAVE LEFT WITH THEM.

If I were a violinist my bow would be a foil;

They want me. I want you. And you want someone else. But none of us want to turn around. -pleasefindthis.blogspot

And it just follows this vicious cycle from day to day, month to month, year to year throughout our lives, because we can't see past ourselves to bother about others.

The grass is always greener on the other side, but when we can't graze on that greener grass, we try our darndest to make the yellowed, dry grass on our side appear better in order to delude ourselves. That's how we make do, when we try to accept things that we cannot change.

"courage to accept the things I cannot change, strength to change those I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" I'm powerless to prevent the array of different-coloured lightbulbs in my life from winking out one by one by one in quick succession, and hence must learn to accept this. But it really takes a whole lot of courage, to suddenly feel like you're left in the dark after being surrounded by these bright lights for two odd years.

"and if the bright lights don't receive you, you should turn yourself around and come on home" I spend five days a week randomly zoning off into my own world, thinking of such things and putting them into perspective. A lot of leeway for self and general reflection, and it really helps in setting a direction for my life and immediate plans as well. It's times like these that one can receive an epiphany or two or maybe realize something, something that was indiscernible before but as we mature with age, we're able to spot certain telltale signs that we missed out before about how others feel about us.

Sometimes life is ironic in the way that it makes us beat ourselves up putting in the effort in following a pursuit but the pursuit in question has no qualms beating us up as well.

so the first week of BSLC (basicsectionleadercourse) has passed (i.e. first step to become sergeant lah) has passed, and it's been pretty good so far. Seeing as there will be frequent searches on ze Internet about such army stuff, I better stop talking about it now :0

It's good to make good buddies in camp though. I think I would probably go insane if not for the fact that I talk to my buddies all the time about serious stuff and lighthearted stuff; and make a thousand and one stupid jokes and creating insanely moronic scenarios and the like. We've come to the conclusion that we are big pussies; we want the best, most relack scenario and yet want to lead and draw high pay at the same time. And compared to our fathers' time, what we're going through now is really nothing. But yet we complain all the time and go like 'Aw man, damn, do I really have to do that???' Really damn different generation sia, I don't know what's happened to singaporean men as the years go by. I think 10 years from now, the boys in BMT will be complaining about a lack of a cotton candy and slurpee machine in the cookhouse.

Then again, thinking about it, the training phase of NS is probably going to fly by pretty quickly if BMT and BSLC is anything to go by. Although there are many many times in camp where we just feel damn super sian and just sit there thinking, 'Why the hell are we here?', time actually passes by quite quickly because you just look forward to each weekend and each weekend just passes by in a blink of an eye and the cycle just repeats itself. But after settling down in our vocation, every day's probably going to be nearly the same monotonous thing. It all depends on your luck though. Oh well.. A little less than two years and YESSSS it'll be time to study again.

And oh yes, HAHA 2 THE OCTS STILL IN CAMP. :D

H-H-H-HOHLIDAY

mmm in pattaya now. Pattaya is really the uber wrong place to go with your family. Dammit, when my dad suggested this chillin' place to go to during block leave, I was still under the senses-dulling that army puts you under where everything other than army sounded appealing so I readily agreed. Turns out the beach that I envisioned (i.e. lots of space, windy, white, with acceptably clear waters) was actually a beach nearly totally filled with beach chairs which you rent for a day for about 50 baht. And hence there is hardly any space left on the beach, so you just go directly into the waters (which, unlike batam waters, have boats, trawlers, and jetskis all over), and all this is just unappealing in general ): I should have asked Yelin about it seeing as he just told me he realized that last year when he came here too haha.

Oh well at least the food is good. At least managed to chow down on some Thai food today like phadthai, green curry and tomyamgoong. The green curry here is better than ThaiExpress' in the sense that it's lighter. TE's one is super concentrated which admittedly gives it a kick, but I think the one here is better (okay, dumb conclusion since this is freaking Thailand hahaha). And there's this really awesome italian restaurant next to my hotel which has authentic thin-crust pizzas for about 9 bucks each. And they are AWESOME. You can actually eat a whole pizza and be nicely full but not bloated, but just try repeating the same feat with a Canadian or Pizzahut one haha, you'll die.

Talking about food, this block leave has seriously made me fatter. Which is why I am definitely going to jog along the beach and hit the gym tomorrow (yay for 4-star hotels) since by no means must I allow myself to degenerate into unfitness (yay I coined a new word). I can only blame myself. Ice cream nearly daily (Haegen-Dazs, Udders, Mac milkshakes, I love you) and eating anything that takes my fancy is definitely not a diet that should be followed. Oh well. At least I can do so without feeling guilty because in a few days' time I'll be eating cookhouse food again sighhh.

I really hate the inflexibility that comes with being in the army. You really cannot decide your own schedule, and even on weekends certain timings clash with the stupid time that you have to book in. It seriously pisses me off. It doesn't make sense that just because you have to serve your country, you have to sacrifice things that matter a whole lot to you. In actuality, they should be the ones accomodating you if you have valid appointments seeing as you are doing the nation a service. But whatever, I'm pretty sure there has been enough bitching about this already, not like one more disgruntled boy eh no sorry man complaining about it will make any difference.

I guess I'll just have to resign myself with sulking in camp and having like this perpetual cloud of displeasure and general unhappiness because you know, I am going to be rather alone in a few months' time. It is okay. I will scrimp and save on my leave and then I shall go and spring many many surprise visits. That shall make me a happier boy eh no sorry man. (:

Call Your Folks;

Hi everyone. Welcome to Quixotic, which is a blog as well as an attempt of mine to break away from the old insanely cryptic and emo posting style which I have all too readily embraced and hence adopted for the past 2 years. I have to admit, sometimes I even bore myself with them. But what to do, when you really don't feel like saying much other than spitting verbal blood onto the screen because of how you're feeling, you can't really write about anything else. (:

Then again, the title I chose for this blog seems nearly to be straying dangerously close towards that which I am trying to break away from. T_T. DAMN YOU, NIGEL, DAMN YOU AND YOUR FICKLE NATURE. Oh whatever. I like it, so it stays.

So anyway, yes I've recently popped (had my passing out parade for those girls who still have no clue what any army term means) and am in the midst (or should I say enjoying the last days of :< ) my block leave which has been all too wonderful. I'm really quite surprised at myself, because army has changed some things about me that I never thought needed changing before.

Shamefully, I must admit that I didn't really mind neglecting my family before I enlisted. It must have been an unconsciously cultured habit, stemming from the A level studying days when I would spend entire weeks just going to school every day to study in the morning, and reach home at night where I would promptly go online and forget about my parents. This kinda continued after the As, where lucky old me spent my four or so months of holiday before the fateful April 13th happened either going out or cooped up in my room. Family time equated to the planned family trips, which I already viewed as humongous great big sacrifices on my part.

But it's been a complete 180 degree turn since army, 'cos I inevitably find myself voluntarily wanting to spend time with my family whenever I bookout and during leave days such as this. I even agree to take walks with my dad after dinner now, and actually am not bored out of mind during them, nor do have any problems with my mom asking me to do any housework. The amount of family dinners I've had since enlisting is probably equal to the amount I had in the 2nd half of 2008. And I treat my mom like a thousand-carat diamond. You would, too, if your mom washed 5 sets of uniform, your army vest, your haversack, and stacked all these items neatly in your room when you were out enjoying a day with friends. The final straw that managed to end the two year long drought within my eyes was my mom remembering to buy facial wash for me after hearing me mention it while grocery shopping. That was quite a day to remember, and okay yes I am a girl. (:

It's a good thing, to have this support and bond with your loved ones, and I really am glad that army made me realize the error of my ways. Of course, this is not to say that I enjoy army. That would be a very refined, pure, concentrated type of insanity.

Then again, it is possible for people like Taufiq to enjoy army... (: (: (: