Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
I'm not one of those, who can easily hide.

I just suddenly had this urge to listen to this song. And was reminded of how beautiful it was, and how it struck a chord that emanated so deeply within me.

It's actually really, really exhausting, to be fond of people. Especially so, when the law of imbalanced scales is constantly factored into our lives. You will never mean to other people, as much as what they mean to you. I've said this before and I'm not afraid of reiterating it. Hah, I stopped myself before typing 'reiterating it again'. I've preserved my English hurrah.

I sometimes love how people forget things and feelings so easily. Myself for one, find it really hard to do that. And yet, despite being able to remember all these little things, I'm unable to remember Math formulas or solutions to save my life. Ironic, isn't it - I remember the corny, cheesy, little tiny useless insignificant (well, at least to others) things but not these more fruitful stuff that could occupy a larger portion of my head but they do not.

Who'd listen to this impassioned ranting of a guy who's constantly caught in the past and not living in the present, and who sometimes wishes to go back in time? That's why all I have is this, and hence I hope you don't mind that I put this down in words. Because words are all I have, to take your heart away? Nahhh. Good song, though!

How exactly do you want me, to let you know, to impress upon you, to make you understand, how much I miss your presence in my life and am trying to show you that I want to do all I can to keep it intact? Tell me, please, 'cos, you know. Really. I'm finding it extremely hard to discover an effective way of letting these pleas be heard.

I don't understand how you'd just so callously throw me to the side. Or maybe I do, in the face of this daunting adversary of excitement, fun, laughter, beauty, gorgeousness, love, schedules, relevance, sex appeal, and everything else, that seems to take precedence.

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world


But you're hardly, anymore.

Anyway the thing is- what I really mean,
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

Thursday, March 11, 2010

every once in a while, everybody looks back on the past and finds small little pockets of regret, wistfulness and how-i-wish-i'd-done-it-differentlies, or maybe how-i-wish-i'd-go-back-thens. Mr. Clooney said in his recent movie that photographs are for people who have pathetically short memories such that images of every thing that they do has to be recorded on little sheets of paper. Of course, he recognizes the folly of his statement later on, as he rightfully should, because we don't take photographs because we can't remember - we take them because they provide a more colorful, vibrant picture of special moments that have been and gone, and help us in our recollection of such moments.

I don't blame myself for wishing that life was how it was a few years ago, although life's pretty alright nowadays and really quite exciting sometimes. I realized recently that we can't blame others for neglecting us no matter how close we are, because there's a little something called "getting on with their lives". You'd not like it yourself if you were going on some awesome roadtrip around Europe and suddenly your ancestors in China call you back because you're wanted there. A little bit exaggerated I know but generally the gist of the whole idea.

It's also a good feeling, I think, to miss people. It keeps you grounded, and looking forward to the future. Even if whatever new posting I have turns out to be absolute rubbish, I know that time can only fly by before the summer period of May - July, because I'll be standing on my toes and keeping my fingers crossed every day for rachel, mel, zixin and tiff to come back. Sometimes all you need in life is a direction to head towards, goals to meet, and dates to look forward to. And that's the beauty of the simplicity of it.

Another thing I'd like to wish for is for every person to have inside themselves their very own Jiminy cricket. Or at least, an inner voice that tells us what to do. Somewhat like the little angel/devil that sits on one's shoulders, but without the devil this time. A little bit schizo I know, but it'd be great to have a voice of reason that steers us away from all the bad choices and every foolish thing that we do, no matter how logical we might surmise them to be. Because the fact remains that we're governed quite often by how our hearts beat rather than how our brains pulse. Both powerful instruments, locked in a neverending struggle to come out on top. And no matter which one wins, there tend to be repercussions that one has to face, which might not be that enjoyable indeed.

So let's look towards our own freedoms, people. And in our personal pursuit of happiness, not forget those that hold us dear just because we hold others dear. I promise to myself that I'm going to make a video of whatever trips I have with my friends (e.g. ORD) in American Pie fashion, and spin Michelle Branch's Everywhere to accompany it, because it just awesomely encompasses the spirit of our youth and the things that we do (despite us turning 20 this year. It's okay i'm STILL not an adult!).

Because you're everywhere to me,
and when I close my eyes it's you I see;

Thursday, February 18, 2010

At times, all it takes is for one to want something hard enough that he'll look for it. Most of the time, when you look for it, you'll find it somehow; you'll get there somehow. You'll find that gem in the pile of pebbles, that gold nugget streaming down the river. It's all a question of how hard you're willing to look, how long you're willing to wait.

I've realized the importance of staying positive and looking on the bright side no matter what happens. God teaches us not to lie, but occasionally when you lie to yourself, it allows you to feel that much better, and hold on for that much longer. When you've got nothing left to fight for, what motivates you? Especially when you know that you've hit a plateau, or that there's no silver lining in the clouds, or there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and you're just struggling for the sake of it - not giving up because you won't allow yourself to. It's times like these when a little white lie, a little playing up of your situation, gives you that much-needed boost to finish the day and come through still shining.

We all want to be perfect, and especially more so in the eyes of those whom we desire. In the process of achieving this much longed for state, we tend to forget other things. As well as other people. It's not a good thing to be callous, but we do it anyway, because there's just some people who matter to us, and others who don't. We open ourselves up only to those who we see value in, and install a perfect firewall to those that we see nothing in. But we can't be blamed, because that's base human nature; which ironically contrasts with the definition of a perfect person.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Good Lord, it's been quite some time since my last entry here. I guess in actuality it's not been that long, seeing as I was in Taiwan for Ex. Starlight till the 26th, and it's only been about 9 days since we touched down. But I have been meaning to blog, in fact nearly every day, but every time I start thinking about it I get too lazy to and end up just putting it off; procrastination is definitely not a nice thing to have haha.

So let me talk about Taiwan. Well, it was definitely a million times better than Brunei. Despite my preference for no training at all, I'd have to say the environment there is just so much more suitable for military training than in Singapore. Generally because you don't feel as uncomfortable or as tired because you don't sweat - and you're constantly feeling refreshed (and even chilled) by the blustery winds pummeling you full force, especially at night. Put that in contrast to how I felt during the recent outfield we had for urban ops - in Taiwan, you sweat only if you are forced to do something really active such as dashing from one point to the other, and half an hour later your sweat's dried up and you're feeling the same as how you were before. But in Singapore you sweat. Period. Even when you're not moving you sweat. Yes I've lived with it for the past nineteen years but man, it's times like that when I miss Taiwan.

And yes that is about all I can talk about for the training aspect of Taiwan - the weather, because, you know, classified. And all that. So let me move on to happier issues: R&R! Yes it was as awesome as it sounds, and I'm glad I got to experience 3 days of 'holidaying' in Taiwan with transport and accommodation fees fully paid for. Apparently in Taiwan, night markets are the bomb. Okay this might be due to my woefully limited shopping centre visiting experience (I only managed to shop around Taipei 101) but the night markets/ shopping streets are so much more vibrant and seemingly the go-to destination. And they really do offer quite a bunch of bargains. It's all one can do to limit the spending, but I only walked away with something from FCUK and a pair of OTs, ironically both from boutique stores. Oh, and two Spongebob boxers from a random clothing store that are only 5 bucks each. Comfy.

Of late, I've been feeling rather purposeless. I know I should be motivated by what's to come in a month and a half, but I just see it all as being very pointless, partially because the R&R, off day and also the 2 days ATTEN C that my MO gave me for cough/flu (wow) have been easing me back into the post-JC, pre-army life and I must admit it is a very wonderful (albeit just as purposeless, and more slack) life because of the sheer fact that you can CONTROL your life. You determine what fills up your schedule, and if you've been lacking in an area say, studying something or your fitness regime, or you want to bring yourself up to date on something, all you have to do is devote more time towards that area. Whereas now in these 2 years, all the time you've got is 2 weekends. 1 and a half for me now. And with extras and confinements and irregular training schedules, you end up being total subjugated to the whims and fancies of whoever plans aforementioned schedule. But I guess it should all become better after this month has passed. GET OUT OF HERE, FEBRUARY. Despite CNY, Feb's really not a very good month, in fact it is quite irritating indeed.

I've also been wondering about how what exactly people value. I just feel that one too many times, effort and concern have been sacrificed in favour of the more colourful, the more vibrant, the more exciting, the more relevant. To me, it's pretty simple - we measure those who mean the most to us by what really matters, the times shared together that are not broadcasted on a networking site or video-sharing one, the moments captured not in pictures but in our hearts, the words said not on shoutouts but on heartfelt personal notes. But I don't constitute the world. And it's a pity how the world is sometimes blinded by glitz and the glitterati.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I've got about half an hour left before I set out of the house for the airport, for the second overseas training trip to Taiwan. No, no, I'm not feeling emo, Taiwan's not as bad as Brunei. But this one trip will have so many implications, some which I'm not very sure I like at all.

For example, this trip will determine whether any more of us will have to be reviewed by a performance board, and then get unceremoniously kicked out of the course and not have the glorious end to the 9 (or 6) months. I don't really like that, it's almost similar to asking a man to complete a job for you and when he's finished, you say 'Well looks like you're not really all that suitable to have done it for me, so no pay for you I'm sry'. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles though (CLICHE CLICHE), so hopefully all of us will be able to help each other to get through it.

And also, I will be completely, absolutely, totally, missing the week that rachel's going to be back in Singapore, after which she will only be coming back in the summer period of may/june/july, and I can tell you for sure I just hate this fact. But there's nothing I can do about it. Because that's just how it is. And so I shall just relieve my pain by blasting baddies into oblivion on my PSP in Taiwan during R&R.

And by buying cheap Onitsuka Tigers which designs cannot be found in Singapore for people. Yes. I shall have many boxes to lug back home come the 26th.

Remember to pay me back, people.

Au revoir.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

So I'd say there's no time more apt than now, when i've got a few hours left to ending my shift and getting the hell out of here, to compose a little ditty (okay it's not really going to be a song, i was trying to be cute.) about the year that's just passed us by, and the more significant or rather life impacting things that've happened

To begin from really the start, that is to say about end december 2008/early jan - february or so, I'll never forget that immensely melancholic period where i really felt as if my heart was rent into a thousand shreds, thanks to a simple statement of an unwitting friend during the twilight hours. For a week or maybe two, there was no sleeping before 4 am because a bleeding heart's in no way a prerequisite for a good night's sleep; rather, it allows for much sitting numbly in front of one's desktop with iTunes belting out one Dashboard Confessional song after another, and lying with eyes wide open on a soft comfortable bed contemplating the mysteries of the universe, entitled 'Why The F*** Does My Life Suck?' Needless to say, I got over it. Yeah, surprising to some, because up till a month or two ago I still have people asking me 'Hey, so are you completely over her already?' I mean, come on. Once in a while, you get to see two people who're really meant for each other, and even if your heart's begging to differ in almost a desperate, pleading manner, your rationale mind can't help but to agree, that happiness where and when it can be found should never be denied. Besides, the army always aids in the deterioration of one's memory.

Come march, the day: that all of us never wanted to arrive but could hardly wait for, came upon us like snow on a winter's day - love/hate with loving the beauty, hating the cold. It was with much trepidation that we gathered first in the canteen in school in our civilian skivvies, all looking right proper as adults (at least most of us) other than the telltale signs of enlistment on the crowns of some of the boys. Inside the hall, our nerves were certainly not helped along by the announcement that 75 percent of the cohort had scored at least an AAA; no one wanted to fill up other 25. There was tangible electricity in the air that day, and we just wanted to pull through it ending up with smiles on our faces. For me, my parents told me how amused they were at my anxious face while queuing up to receive those slips of paper (it sucks to have a surname beginning with Y sometimes!!) [in true Singaporean fashion, we had to queue even for this. I wouldn't be surprised if some dude from outside happens to see the queue and just joins in.] and that when they saw me break out in a relieved smile afterwards, they knew that i couldn't have screwed up too badly. Thanks alot anyway, Maths. In the aftermath (hey, i'm punny.) that followed, there was much elation, but also feelings of a loss at what to say to those disappointed friends. Nothing could really provide any comfort, and in actuality any attempt at crafting soothing phrases would likely be hypocritical. The best course of action was thus to remain silent but remain there for them, and try to pursue other areas of discussion, albeit in a haphazard manner that reeked almost too much of a distractionary maneuver.

There was just enough time for a relaxing trip to Korea (relaxing is spelled H-O-T S-P-R-I-N-G-S) before that fateful day in the month before May (The new Quixotic: now with 100% more rhyme!) where I very, very, very, very, unwillingly packed up my bags and set off to serve the nation, very, very, very, very, unwillingly. I wasn't unused to the regimentation, drills, and everything - two wasted years in the NCC had at least prepared me for those. What i detested was the wresting away of my freedom and how i could see so god damned little of my family and friends. Eventually, I came to accept it, and came to treasure every little thing more than I'd ever done before. And it was certainly a bumper sticker plus point when Tiff magically materialized after my POP :)

As the months slowly drifted past, I found I had yet another young adult crisis to face. Slowly but steadily, some of the people I loved most in the world were flying off to embark on their university adventure in faraway lands. That was really no deal; it was tantamount to telling me that my heart (only having just experienced a full recovery from aforementioned asswhooping, that is to say, if my heart had an ass. Actually the two curved parts of the heart shape.. Never mind.) was going to be ripped out again, pissed upon, and then blended into a fine puree like a Starbucks frappe, and there was nothing I could do about it so if I would please save myself some agony and hand it over voluntarily thankyouverymuch. I reeled at first the thought, then the reality, of ame mel rachel and zix flying off one by one. It even got to the point where I just started tearing one morning in camp during sispec. Fortunately, the blessing bequeathed to us from the tech gods, known commonly as Skype, dulled the pain quite substantially as we chatted away as much as our schedules allowed, and the lovely idiots did not exhibit any signs of change at all so that was wonderful (other than about a 500% increase in swearing proficiency.) and now that in the past month i've seen three of them, i'm quite the happy boy. <3.

I'd list down the crossing over to OCS as well, but I think i've done that to death over here. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah, it's worth it. Yeah, JCC's over and Taiwan's next week. We get it. Enough already. And so, as I ushered in the new year of 2010 with fireworks and Yello Jello grooviness with a bunch of ripe friends from 7 years ago, and then celebrated the first day of the year with bloody beetroots madness (whoop whoop), it's certainly got off to a real high start. Though I STILL have not watched Avatar yet, as the appointment to do so with Other Bunch Of Ripe Friends (100% NSF, Girls Generation and L4D loving) was shot down thanks to duty. And as I eagerly look forward to commissioning, ORD, and the ORD trip with said ripe friends that WILL come to pass and WILL be extremely psychedelically awesome and legen ... Wait for it ... DARY. (get planning, jev.) I thank God that despite trials and tribulations, He brings respite, relief, real love, and real happiness as well.

Happy 2010 guys, and I hope the only sucky thing about this year is that from now on there are no more awesome new year glasses with the 00 in the middle for the eyes to look through. Damn.

Monday, December 28, 2009